Is there someone that makes you feel intimidated or insecure? Aren’t those the kind of feelings that we generally try to avoid? It really doesn’t matter who that person is, if at all possible, we will naturally look for ways to limit our exposure intimidation and insecurity.
Does someone you know bring out these feelings in you? Think about it for a moment, how hard do you work at avoiding that person? Now ask yourself this simple question:
What is it that makes them so scary?
There is always some core reason for such strong feelings. Do they belittle you, or embarrass you in front of others. Do they treat you like a child, or constantly try to put you in your place? Any of these situations can seem humiliating, and no sane person seeks out humiliation.
Have you ever wondered what gives that scary person the emotional leverage to manipulate your feelings? Perhaps they are your employer or supervisor and it feels like they hold your career in the palm of their hand. Maybe they are just plain mean and confrontational and you are one of their favorite targets.
Where exactly does their power come from?
In a moment I am going to answer that question for you, but there is a good chance you won’t like what I am about to say. That’s because human nature being what it is, we have a tendency to make excuses. When we don’t like something that’s happening to us, we want it to be someone else’s fault. It’s a built in avoidance technique that I am about to take issue with, but trust me, it’s not personal.
OK, here it is. That scary person gets their power to jerk you around from one source and one source only.
You give them their power over you!
That’s right, you are the source. If you didn’t give it to them, they would be powerless. They simply cannot intimidate or humiliate you without your permission. Now I don’t expect you to just accept that without some explanation, so let’s drill down a bit and see if I can convince you.
The first thing we need to accept is this, we have the power to decide how we are going to feel about any situation. Feelings are an internal emotional response, that means they come from us not some external source. Nothing has any value or meaning in our life except that which we assign it.
We always get to decide
We decide if something has emotional significance or not. We chose whether to take it personally or just blow it of. It’s imperative that we realize, the moment we take something personally we become emotionally involved. That means that our ego, with all it’s issues, has been pulled into the equation and we are now vulnerable to external manipulation.
Emotional triggers can be used to control people in just about any area you can think of. Advertisers use them to stimulate impulse buying. Politicians use them to get your support. Movie makers use them to pull us into their story. And people who want to gain an emotional edge use them to get their own way.
But only if we play along
If you decide not to play the game, then you don’t ever need to feel intimidated again. As soon as you choose not to grant permission to the would be intimater, you render them powerless. It’s like letting all the air out of their tires. They can still rev up their engine, but they really can’t go anywhere.
Accepting full responsibility for your feelings is one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself. It puts you in the drivers seat and simplifies life enormously. No more blaming others for your feelings, or being manipulated by some control freak. It eliminates a huge energy leak because we no longer waste time trying to formulate excuses or looking for somewhere to point the finger. We are liberated from all that nonsense.
Take it out for a trial spin
Try this little exercise for the next ten days and see how it makes you feel. Eliminate phrases from your vocabulary like “they made me feel so…” Instead, try saying “I chose to feel…” Allow yourself to get accustomed to the idea of being in control. Remind yourself that you can choose not to participate in someone else’s emotional game, and then stay out of it.
If you reserve your emotional involvement for worthwhile endeavors, your life will be a much more rewarding experience. Ten days from now you have a new sense of freedom and control. You’ll be empowered and that scary person look completely different to you.
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This is pretty powerful stuff here.
at one time, my mom could throw me to the curb at family gatherings. I took her continual accusations of her motherly concerns to be – a never ending battle for her acceptance/approval to my choices in life.
I choose to admit
Mother/daughter relationships can be tough at certain points.I adore her but many times felt the pressure was on. More so after college when I was out on my own.
I think only people that are closely involved in your live can make you feel insecure – a boss can do both.
Thumper can manipulate me at times but I am on to him:)
Great read – I enjoyed it very much.
Thank you
Bunnygotblogs last blog post..Under Pressure
Hi Bunny, it’s interesting how certain ones have that power over us at different times in our life. For many parents it can be hard to adjust when they start to lose it. There is often a few years of tension before they can finally accept that their child is not a child any longer. Thanks for sharing.
Twitter: mrjWells
Great article and it brings up some childhood memories. I remember one kid would scare the heck out of me to the point I would get sick over it. But one day I said to myself, this is my day to stand up no matter what and I did just that.
I went up to the bully and said “No more pushing me around”. The fight began and I couldn’t believe that in the end I won and made the kid cry. The odd thing that happened later was that we became friends.
Frank Js last blog post..Free Press Release Sites to Improve Marketing
Twitter: techjaws
Hey Frank, good story. Interestingly, those who try to dominate and intimidate others often do so because they are extremely insecure themselves. It’s an overcompensation thing. We humans a a complex bunch. Thanks for joining the conversation.
Twitter: mrjWells
Changing your thoughts to “I chose to feel” is a great idea. I’m going to have to try this one out, because I find myself in situations where I feel like others are intimidating me.
I did a similar practice of this theory once recently. There was this foul kid that started taunting my husband and I while we were playing tennis. We couldn’t say anything edgewise (boy I wish his parents would have come around). I told my husband the best way to deal with him, since he had zero respect for adults, was to not allow him to bother us and just do what we were doing and not pay attention. Sure enough, when he no longer got any response from us, he gave up and left.
I guess that is how it is with anyone who feels they can control you – once they realize they can’t, they lose interest and move on.
~ Kristi
Kikolanis last blog post..Out on the Ballroom Floor
Twitter: kikolani
Hi Kristi, It’s like I was saying to Frank, with people like that it’s not usually about you, it’s about their own massive insecurity looking to be propped up. If they can’t get it from you they need to find it somewhere else. Your husband showed good restraint.
Twitter: mrjWells
Great stuff Jonathan! You specifically mention intimidation and control, which is spot on. But the same thing can be extended to any reaction to anything. For example, some people seem to live to be offended. They are always running around be offended by something someone is doing. I guess in their own way that is them trying to control. To my mind, being offended is a problem with the offendee and not the offender. Certainly people can be offensive in some sort of objective manner, but just like the intimidator, the offender only has power that you give them.
Stephen – Rat Race Traps last blog post..Living Now – Part I
Hi Stephen, interesting application to being offended. I must admit, I hadn’t really thought about that aspect before. I think there is considerable crossover here, especially in the case of those who seem to be looking for reasons to feel offended. A similar situation would be those who are always looking to have their feelings hurt.
Twitter: mrjWells
Great article Jonathan! Intimidation and other forms of negative influence can be such a significant problem. As you mentioned, this is one of the many situations that we can control our perception of.
One thing that I’ve found to help tremendously in this regard is to be extremely clear and confident in my values and, what I’m about. The stronger this sense is, the less people can manipulate me.
Vin | NaturalBias.coms last blog post..The Forgotten Path to Health and Happiness
Twitter: vinmiller
That’s an excellent point Vin, I completely agree. As I read your comment I was reminded of what a huge role values play in these kind of situations. In my book 7 Simple Steps, part of the first step is to identify your values and write down a list of guiding principles. When we are clear on our personal values and follow our guiding principles, we create a state of internal harmony. Harmony nurtures control whereas internal conflict creates insecurity.
Twitter: mrjWells
This is a great article and I signed up for the newsletter.
Jonathan,
this is so clear that I can almost hear you
. You know, those feelings are ours when we experience something nice too, so why avoid them only because we’re experiencing something bad? Feelings are feelings, are ours. We have power over them, as you said it.
I did this exercise you’re talking about, the one with “I chose to…”, several years ago and I had results within days. It really works.
One thing that I would add is you’ll find out things about yourself that you don’t like if you chose to take responsibility for you feelings. Maybe you’ll find out you’re too shy (I’m not using the word coward, but this is what I’m pointing to) or too bold (as in aggressive). This is coming from within and you’re not having excuses now. You have to deal with it.
Thanks for sharing this, Jonathan, it was a refreshing reading
Dragos Rouas last blog post..The Spiral Path
Some good points Dragos. The one about discovering things about ourself that make us uncomfortable is a real challenge for some. I figure we can’t fix it until we know it’s broke, so I welcome the awareness even if I don’t especially like what I learn.
Twitter: mrjWells
Many years ago I learned that there way a type of person that intimidated me. I would lose all sense of self around them. I remember the first time I stood up to someone like this and they just crumbled in front of my eyes. I was stunned. What I learned from them (we talked about it) was that they we so afraid of people and life that they went through the world intimidating everyone in appearingly subtle ways, not over bullying, but through body language, tone and energy. Often people who do this don’t even know they do it. It’s been a defense that has worked very well since childhood to keep people at a distance. And people who do this can be, inside, very good people, just frightened.
Once I saw this I was able to recognize the pattern. The next time I encountered it I was able to be very brave, maintain myself and my confidence, and even reach beyond their defenses and into the real person trapped inside (in a loving way). Today people like this no longer intimidate me. I see through the defense and realize they are very scared. Oddly people that are overtly bullying never scared me.
With time I learned something else. I learned that I am a complete empath and feel other people’s feelings as if they were my own, even over distance. As I’ve grown older I now can discern the difference and separate their feelings from my own. Thank you Jonathan!
You are so right Robin. Many people cover their insecurity with a veil of aggression. They feel better about themselves if they can intimidate others. As you brought out, understanding this changes how we feel toward them. It removes their ability to intimidate and it allows us to feel empathy for the real problem, and perhaps even offer some help. Thanks you for sharing your insight.
Twitter: mrjWells
Great article again, Jon! As you rightly said, intimidation only occurs when we choose to give the power away to someone else. I find that the mirror theory works great in this aspect – reflect back onto ourselves as to why the intimidation occurs, and we will find a deficit or perception somewhere about ourselves. And if we work within ourselves on that, the intimidation disappears soon after.
Celes | EmbraceLiving.Nets last blog post..Cultivate a Good Habit in 21 Days
Love your article. Admire your ability to provide a fresh and personal perspective of a familiar object.
Beat
Beat Schindler´s last blog ..Fact Versus Fiction (Success Secrets)
Hey Beat, thanks for joining the conversation.
Twitter: mrjWells
I try to stay away from such people but it doesn’t always work.
Zeynel´s last blog ..Can’t change a habit by persuasion