What do you think of when you hear the phrase self-confidence? Is it a desirable quality, or is it some kind of ego driven, inflated assessment of one’s own abilities?
Do you desire greater confidence, or do you harbor negative feelings toward those that seem overly confident, or both?
Seeking balance
As with anything else, a balanced, healthy sense of confidence is what we should strive for. Here is a question worth considering, is it possible to have a realistic view of one’s own abilities, and still have unstoppable self-confidence?
Yes it is, and that’s where balance comes in. Confidence is an inner feeling of certainty about what we have to offer, and what we are capable of accomplishing. It is closely related to self-esteem, which is our personal estimation of our own value and worth as a person.
Without a reasonable degree of self-esteem, it is impossible to manifest extraordinary confidence. So, self-esteem levels are an important factor, and they need to be maintained within certain reasonable limits. Just as an unreasonable level of self-esteem creates an egomaniac, too much self-confidence can also prove to be unrealistic and counterproductive. If it’s unrealistic, then it is also potentially harmful on some level, physically, emotionally, or financially. How can being too confident be harmful?
Everything has its limits
While a strong sense of self-confidence will create new opportunities, it cannot change reality. For example, on a physical plane, having complete confidence that you can fly off the top of a 50-story building will not negate the force of gravity. Gravity is a force of nature, and it is not susceptible to your will. That my friend is just reality.
Here’s an example from the financial world. Dumping your life savings into a falling stock market because you have complete confidence that things are about to turn around, will not change the direction of the markets. You will either be very lucky, or very broke.
How about emotionally? Having blind faith (unrealistic confidence), as in these two examples will probably have a negative impact on your self-esteem. As a result, doubt will erode your level of confidence and you will experience an emotional set back.
Extremes aside, what benefits come from confidence?
Confidence makes life much easier and much more fun. It creates opportunities that would not exist otherwise. Having confidence gives us the energy to pursue our dreams, and the power to overcome obstacles. It gives us a sense of certainty in our ability to bring about a favorable outcome, even when others have doubt.
Many people are afraid to go for the life they truly desire. Lacking self-confidence they fear failure, worse yet, they actually anticipate it. Their lack of confidence stifles their willingness to reach out for their dreams.
On the other hand, being confident opens the doors to your dreams. When you carry yourself with confidence, people will naturally be attracted to that quality. When you have confidence in yourself, others tend to feel that way also. When you speak and act with conviction, it changes the way the world responds to you.
Developing and displaying self-confidence will change your life on almost every level. Confidence is like a powerful magnet that will attract into your life whatever opportunities, resources, or people are needed to facilitate your ability to create the life you desire.
Where does self-confidence come from?
Confidence grows, or shrinks, in response to your personal beliefs about who you are, and what you are capable of. These beliefs are influenced by your self-esteem, and reinforced by the results you have produced in previous experiences.
If your self-esteem is low, your level of commitment will also be low. Lack of confidence will cause you to hold back in expectation of failure. With only a half-hearted commitment and negative expectations, results will probably be disappointing. Being unable to produce your desired result will further erode your self-esteem. It’s a negative reinforcement loop.
On the other hand, if you already have a healthy level of self-esteem, you will likely have a correspondingly high level of self-confidence. When you take on a new challenge, you will anticipate a successful outcome and so your level of commitment will also be greater. These factors will combine to create another successful outcome, which will continue to fuel your level of confidence. This is a positive reinforcement loop.
How do we build more self-confidence?
We build our self-confidence by creating a positive reinforcement loop. This will allow us to bolster our self-esteem, increase our level of commitment, and produce our intended outcome. As a result, our self-confidence will grow. Each time the loop is completed successfully, we will become more and more confident in our own ability to succeed.
The key is to start small
Starting small allows us to control the outcome and generate some momentum. Here are five simple steps that will help you get started.
1) Choose an area in your life where you know you can take control. No matter who we are, there is always some area in our life where we feel a level of competence. Start by setting a reachable goal in that direction and then take action.
2) When you experience success, set another reachable goal in that same direction and follow through with more action.
3) Continue this pattern until you become comfortable with your ability to produce your intended outcome. Now you have created a positive reinforcement loop.
4) Next, choose a different area in your life where you have a degree of competence and repeat the process.
5) As your feelings of confidence grow, allow yourself to identify with your success. Learn to view yourself as a successful person and attach feelings of approval to your positive experiences.
You can also explain your challenge to a friend and ask them to provide you with some positive feedback every time you succeed in producing an intended result. Now you will have both an external, and an internal source of positive validation.
These steps can be followed to increase your level of self-confidence regardless of your current level. Just scale the first step according to where you are now, and build your self-confidence from there. The phrase start small is relative to where you currently are.
Start where you are and make progress
Often, it was circumstances beyond our control that had a decisive influence on our self-esteem and self-confidence. But that was then and this is now. Taking the time to build, or even rebuild, these important personal assets is definitely worth the effort.
So, in addressing our opening question, “What’s Wrong With Unstoppable Self-Confidence?” the obvious answer can only be –
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL!
Have you ever struggled with self-confidence issues?
Do you think self-confidence can be built up over time?
The lines are open!
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Watch this video: To truly understand what is involved in building unstoppable self-confidence, we first must understand the relationship of Cause and Effect. In this short video Dr. Robert Anthony explains why cause is more powerful than effect and how you can use this knowledge to build your self-confidence very quickly. Self-Confidence Creator Video.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
You are so right Jonathan – there is absolutely nothing wrong with unstoppable self confidence….balance is where the beauty lies….is it possible to have self confidence with a humble spirit – of course, it is….. that’s the beauty!
In gratitude to you and your work,
Nancy
Nicely said Nancy, some people wrongly confuse confidence with ego and lack of confidence with humility. They are entirely different things. We should have an honest optimistic view of our own abilities. That’s a reasonable, balanced, and healthy mindset. Having confidence doesn’t mean we think we are better than others or put ourselves above them in our minds (ego), it just means we feel good about our particular abilities or talents.
Jonathan, thanks for the wonderful post. I’ve always believed that there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. I’d like everyone to feel okay about themselves; self esteem is not how we should measure someone’s worth. It’s okay to be shy, or nervous about doing something new. It’s emotional environment that shapes us. Be kind, be respectful, be happy and watch the people around you shine. I think it’s false to measure greatness and confidence by achievement, it’s okay just to be you. I hope you’re well.
Hey Simon, with many people that line gets crossed, but when that happens it’s really a two part thing. Let me see if I can explain what I mean. Let’s say you are a really good programmer. It’s a learned skill and you have learned it very well, so you have a great deal of confidence in this area of your life. You might also be a humble, mild, easy going person, but that doesn’t take away from you confidence because your confidence is based on an honest assessment of your skill level. But if your ego starts thinking that having this skill puts you above others, then arrogance enters the picture. The arrogance didn’t come from the skill, it came from an ego that decided to use the skill as an excuse to become inflated.
Hi Jonathan, great post about self-confidence, and I agree 100%.
You can never have too much self-confidence. I’m reading “Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway” by Susan Jeffers, and one of the ideas she talks about is saying “Yes!” to your universe. What this means is that no matter where you find yourself in life, whether it’s poverty or abundance or anywhere in between, we should say “Yes!” to our current situation, so that we can use it for our gain.
So, if we accept every situation we find ourselves in, we then have nothing to fear because we know we’ll be able to handle any situation. From this, unlimited self-confidence blossoms.
Great read Jonathan
Hey Stuart, the opposite of acceptance is denial and there is no control or responsibility in denial. By accepting our current situation we are then in the best position to make a realistic assessment of what needs to come next. Some people feel that accepting the current reality makes you weaker, but it actually does the opposite. How can we have the confidence to move forward if we don’t have the courage to accept where we are? Sounds like a good book.
Suffering from a lack of self-confidence has been a struggle all my life.
Today, I’m learning when I don’t feel confident, I take a step back and ask, “what would a confident man do in this situation?”
Discovering the answer gives the courage to more forward.
Alex
Alex, I never would have guessed that. You seem extremely confident and I am sure others have the same impression. When you ask, “what would a confident man do in this situation?” That confident man you are referring to is really just the confident side of you. Let him out.
Hi Jonathan,
Great advice here. You are right, there is a balance that needs to be reached. Arrogance is not confidence, it usually roots from poor self-esteem. When we feel that we are worthy of happiness confidence will appear. Thanks Jonathan!
Greetings Dandy, very insightful comment. So many times low self-esteem and insecurity are expressed in ways that give the impression of strength. It’s really defensive emotional posturing.
Jonathan, nice post. Nancy and Simon both had great points with balance, and asking oneself the right questions. I have personally found that I did have to address deeper core beliefs that were unhelpful before I could start taking steps to achieve competence in areas I previously was afraid to move forward in.
Hi Steve, if we feel something holding us back , but we don’t know what it is, that is a strong indicator that there is some unresolved limiting belief at work. In most cases, asking the right questions are the first step toward a resolution.
Hi Jonathan,
I had to give myself a few days to ponder whether to respond to this or not. I believe this post touches on and connects to a variety of topics which need more than a post or response to fully develop. Each human person is a complex being. I’m reminded of the old quadrant view in psychology : there are things we see/know about ourselves others don’t see/know; there are things others see/know about us that we don’t see/know; there are things we hide from ourselves that others can’t see; there are things we hide from ourselves that others do see.
True humility is being open and accepting to one’s total reality – good and bad and the ugly; skills and abilities; areas of confident belief in one’s abilities and areas where one knows they still have work to do to grow in their self – confidence; believing in one’s knowledge and plan of action while at the same time open to hear and incorporate the thoughts and knowledge others have. A truly humble person does not focus solely on themselves and what they want to gain but acknowledges the value and abilities and needs of others.
Good positive self confidence and humility I believe are inseparable. Humble self confidence doesn’t feel threatened by others, it will persevere in the face of obstacles yet, it will not act at the expense of others.
Because of the above I am not in agreement with the phrase : there is nothing wrong with Unstoppable self-confidence. It is the word “unstoppable”: impossible to stop: not capable of being halted ; overwhelming, overpowering, unrelenting as one dictionary put it.
There is a self-confidence that is cloaked with Pride(self-exaltation, presumption, conceit, haughtiness, self-conceit.) This immediately brings to my mind Hitler – he certainly had self-confidence, he believed in his views, his knowledge and nothing was going to stand in the way of “his mission”. His belief in himself and his mission brought about horrendous atrocities. He acted from a stance and belief that he was unstoppable.
I’m aware Hitler is an extreme example but I believe it points out that self confidence not cloaked with humility can be dangerous.
I believe there is nothing wrong with a humble persevering self-confidence.
On a different note. I believe that a general low-self-esteem can coexist with a level of self confidence but what it takes to act on it is courage. For example, a person can struggle with their self-esteem while at the same time knowing they do have a well developed ability – say to sing, play the piano, dance,etc. Their lack of self-esteem will make it very very hard to go out on stage and perform, but if they have the courage to do it, knowing they can sing, can play the piano…..they will be able to do so. This I know well from personal experience.
Hello Daisey, my use of the word unstoppable was in reference to a sense of confidence that could not be easily displaced or undermined, even if the person didn’t produce their intended result. As if self-confidence provided a buffer between results and self-esteem so that missing the mark in some effort did not diminish a persons perception of their own worth. Clearly, no person is unstoppable.
Basically, I am in full agreement with everything you said, but there is something else I would like to add. Daisey, you express yourself with such well thought out clarity that I truly feel that you should be a writer. In my opinion, you have a gift that many could benefit from. Your comments make me think and reevaluate. They open new dimensions on a topic even when it appears to have been well explored. This is a rare and wonderful talent. If you haven’t recognized this about yourself then perhaps it fits into the category of: “there are things others see/know about us that we don’t see/know.”
Hi Jonathan,
I knew from your context as well as from reading your other posts that your use of the word unstoppable was more in line with determination and perseverance, not letting trials, obstacles, and life’s challenges take a bite out of one’s self- confidence. Yet, the word just didn’t sit right in my gut with what you were trying to say.
There are people in the world today who believe they are truly unstoppable who at the expense of others seek their own gain. There are people who run large corporations who have this attitude. Give the wrong person a measure of power and authority and they will embrace it with an attitude of being unstoppable. I’ve been under this type of authority and I’ve seen it play out in others. Words have power – my heart just needed to bring out this other reality.
I do apologize, however, that I did not include an acknowledgment of what you were meaning in your use of the word. That is something that I regret not having been sensitive enough to point out.
In response to your last comment, thank you for your statement of affirmation. I love how you incorporated my statement
“there are things others see/know about us that we don’t see/know.” How true that is.
Hi Daisey, certainly there is no apology necessary. I think about it like this: If one person raises a concern or question in a comment, there were probably other readers who thought those same things but didn’t bother to express themselves (I wish they would, but that’s just how it is).
As a writer, I know that sometimes my choice of words may seem just right to me (because I already know what I mean), but may have a different impact on others. I truly appreciate it when someone cares enough to point out the need for further clarity, even if they knew what I was aiming for. This kind of exchange is what communication is all about and I am grateful to you for participating.
Hi Jonathan,
Great article! You ask, “What’s Wrong With Unstoppable Self-Confidence?” Wow! Confidence like this is wonderful as long as you are not taking away or hurting another person in what ever you are trying to accomplish. Someone with great self-confidence does know that they may be strong in one area, but not as strong in another area of life. Good confidence is knowing your weak spot as well as your strong qualities and willing to listen to other when we hit a weak spot.
I am going to go away right now and give this some more thought. Thinking is good. LOL thanks Jonathan.
Debbie
Hi Debbie, this was so well put: “Good confidence is knowing your weak spot as well as your strong qualities and willing to listen to other when we hit a weak spot.” Clearly, self-confidence can be an valuable personal asset as long as it is balanced with reality and a sense of humility. Without this balance it could actually be a liability.
You are right Jonathan. Balance is the key to many things in life. You can have all the success in life, but if you don’t have a balance you are only a success in parts of your life. People with true self-confidence are very happy people because of the balance.
Debbie
Confidence is what you gain with each success or lesson learned. I love the thought of starting small when building it up. The accumulation of small victories can over time be an unstoppable force. More individuals should step back and remember what they have already overcome and realize how powerful they are right now. Nice post as usual… Still loving your work sir!
Hey Raphael, nice suggestion for an encouraging reality check: “More individuals should step back and remember what they have already overcome and realize how powerful they are right now.” It’s really nice to have you stop in and say hello!
I was blessed to be born with an unshakable self-confidence. I don’t know where it came from, but I was also blessed with many gifts and talents. Although I was born into extreme poverty, I always knew that I was going to climb out of it and that I could do whatever I wanted to do. I did, too. I have done everything that I wanted to do despite relatives and, back in the day, teachers and principals, advising me to lower my own expectations.
That is not to say that I have never known failure. Oh yes, I have failed many times. It’s just that I know that failure is just one way to learn which way NOT to go! Ha! And I look back at my failures as life lessons that actually taught me more than my successes ever did.
So, is self-confidence the same as self-esteem? In my case, I don’t think it was. My personal situation as a child put me in situations where I allowed myself to believe many negative things about myself. I did have self-esteem issues. However, my self-esteem improved as I left those situations and found success that disproved those negative beliefs. I altered my inner reality to comply with positive feedback that I got that contradicted the stories I learned about myself as an abused child.
Yet, my self-confidence level never changed. It has allowed me to overcome barriers that some never do and to follow my dreams to the place where I am now – doing what I have always wanted to do!
I know that I have been richly blessed. I don’t take these gifts for granted. I’m trying now to use what was freely given to me in service to my fellow man. It is important to my self-esteem that I give back now what was so freely given to me.