How does a relationship that started out like a fairytale romance end up being a source of confusion and unhappiness? Is there anything you can do to safeguard that special bond that initially attracted you to one another? What is the quickest way to turn things around and rekindle those special feelings if they seem to be evaporating?
These are just a few of the questions commonly asked by concerned couples feeling the squeeze of increasing stress on their relationship. Have you ever struggled with these or similar issues?
Let’s look at a few reasons why a good relationship can become challenging and what you can do to prevent, or even reverse, such a trend. Considering three specific aspects of our personal perception can help us to see the big picture and make any adjustments that might seem appropriate.
The role of focus, filters and priorities
How we view our world and the people in it has everything to do with our perception. Regardless of how objective we might think we are, our personal version of reality is heavily influenced by what we focus on, how we filter that information, and the way we set our priorities.
Not only will the settings of these three factors determine our perception, they will also determine how we respond to the world around us. This is especially evident in the way we interact in our closest relationships. Those closest to us are always the ones who see our true colors.
Adjusting your settings for relationship joy
By making adjustments in our focus, filters and priorities we can literally transform what we bring into a relationship and what we receive from it. So, let’s work with these three components of perception and see how we can tweak them for a richer and more meaningful relationship experience.
1. Adjusting your focus. Remember what you used to focus on when your relationship was new? Remember how much joy that brought you? That’s because focus is the most powerful way to adjust our impression of reality. When your relationship was new you made it a habit to focus on all of your partner’s amazing qualities. No matter what else was going on in your life, being together was so wonderful that you always looked forward to it with eager anticipation and you never allowed the cares of life to dampen your time together.
How about now? Are you still focused on those amazing qualities or has your attention drifted to their faults and shortcomings? When you are together do they still get your undivided attention and admiration or has the stress of life overshadowed the way the two of you interact? See the difference focus makes? So, what can you do about it?
Solution. Make a conscious and consistent effort to recapture the same kind of focus that got your relationship rolling in the first place. Turn your attention to those amazing qualities and away from anything that doesn’t feed your sense of joy and appreciation. If you focus on the positive your perception of, and your response to, your partner will shift. In turn, they will respond to you accordingly. Relationships are based on cause and effect. If you change the cause the effect will change also.
2. Adjusting your filters. When you first got to know each other, did you find your partners little idiosyncrasies irritating or entertaining? Did you see their unique personality traits as refreshing or strange and in desperate need of refinement? Your view of your partner has always been up to you. You are the one who chooses which filters to look through.
If you are looking through a critical or judgmental filter you will see things that you don’t appreciate. If you are looking through a happy, grateful filter you will readily notice more and more reasons to find delight in your partner’s unique attributes. Your attitude is your filter and a positive attitude based on love and appreciation can filter out many of the little annoyances that might rob you of the joy you both deserve.
Solution. Stick with the filters that you used when your relationship was the most positive part of your life. When you combine a positive focus with a positive attitude it starts a chain reaction that can bring a great sense of joy and satisfaction into your relationship. No matter what happens in other areas of your life, always do your best to greet your mate with a loving, positive, appreciative attitude.
3. Adjusting your priorities. When your relationship was in full bloom, where was it positioned on your list of priorities? Where is it now? Is it still at the top of the list or have other things been getting top billing lately? When I talk about priorities I am not referring to how your time is divided. I am talking about what is most important to you. Most of us spend more time working than we do interacting with our partner, but which one owns your heart? That’s what defines your priorities.
If our relationship is our top priority we will make time for it and won’t allow the other concerns of life to squeeze the life out of it. And we won’t do this solely out of a sense of responsibility; we’ll do it because we want to. We’ll do it because our relationship means more to us than anything else and because that is where our heart is.
Solution. Take the time to evaluate your true priorities in life and see if your lifestyle supports your relationships position at the top. Don’t make excuses or deceive yourself while evaluating your situation because that could prove very costly. If you are not sure, ask your mate, but don’t get upset if you don’t like their answer. Next, make any needed adjustments to establish your relationship as your number one priority. When both partners know that the relationship comes first it does amazing things to the way they interact with each other. Isn’t that what you both want?
Go make it happen!
Use these three keys to unlock and maintain the joy that comes from a truly meaningful and satisfying relationship. Granted, you can’t control how your partner acts, but you can give them every reason to respond to your efforts in a way that empowers you both and brings a lot of joy into your world.
How do you keep the joy alive in your relationship?
What keys would you add to these three?
The lines are open!
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Ladies, want to know how to rewire your man’s brain so he will pay more attention to you and start treating you better? You’ll want to read this article.
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
The write up was excellent to say the least! The three points as explained by you in the above article if followed could do wonders in a sad and dull relationship.The rule which I follow in my relationship is simple : I never say anything which I wouldn’t want to hear . Each time I get angry and frustrated over my partner this very simple logic makes me cool down in seconds! Besides this , if girls like me are reading this blog one quick comment , guys are less sensitive and less expressive than girls and they do love us just the way we love them!
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Hi Kate, this is a keeper: I never say anything which I wouldn’t want to hear. That is an excellent way to avoid lots of unnecessary relationship stress. Congratulations on having the self-control to give yourself a few moments to cool down when the situation calls for it. Thanks for sharing!
Great advice and one thing I always try to do is change it up. Be spontaneous!
Hey Frank, that is a great add for keeping things new and happy. It’s way too easy to get in a rut and be totally predictable. Thanks!
Great stuff, Jonathan!
There really is nothing more important than building loving and deeply rewarding relationships with those who are most important to us. To me, there is nothing more rewarding than developing and nurturing that bond of mutual trust, respect and deep emotional attachment.
I’ve found in my own life that my important relationships have faltered most when I have prioritized other things above those relationships.
Thanks for the insight and reminder, Jonathan! I just hope millions of struggling marriages get access to this article. A must-read, my friend!
Thanks Ken, a great relationship that gets better over time never happens by accident. It can only be a reality for those who are willing to make a real commitment. In my relationship coaching it always amazes me how few relationship skills most couples have. Sadly, many come from families backgrounds lacking these important skills. Thankfully, learning these skills can pay off very quickly as long as there is an honest effort being made. Priorities are so important. Thanks for sharing your personal experience.
Our relationships are our blanket from the storm of life. When life takes over, we can turn to our partner for the shield we need. Without them, we would be out in the cold. The thing is that we need to trust them to be that shield. To do that we need to foster a good, healthy relationship. You pointed out some great points here. Thank you so much!
Hi Marcelina, I like your “blanket (or shield) from the storm” analogy. A solid relationship certainly can provide a wonderful sense of security. It takes effort, but the rewards far outweigh the effort required.
Hello,
My name is Lenia and I am new to this blog. This is the first article I read and I found it so true. If we are in a relationship for many years we forget how it was at the beginning. Sometimes we focus on our problems and then our problems easily become “couple-problems”. Thank you for the solutions provided.
Hi Lenia, as long as we keep reaffirming that we are on the same team and avoid slipping into a critical or judgmental mindset, we can keep those problems where they belong. Thanks for joining the conversation.
Especially when you have been with someone for many years, it can be really easy to take things for granted. I know I make this mistake all the time. What you say here about focus, priorities, and filters makes a lot of sense and something we should all work on. I have been learning to enjoy the moments that I get to spend with my wife because I get so few of them at times. In fact, I spend a lot of times thinking of things that we can do when we are finally able to rearrange our schedules and have the money to do them. Yet even with the time we do have together, I try to make the most of it and focus on the experience.
Thanks for this great post!
Thanks Grady, I am reasonably sure that your wife appreciates your efforts. Some couples benefit from having a date night. It gives them something to look forward to with eager anticipation. If you like this idea don’t let the lack of funds get in the way. The important thing is spending time together.
I also do believe that we’re responsible for the filters through which we look at our relationships. As you said, in the beginning we chose to ignore the irritating bits of our partner’s habits. Love is about accepting faults and all. We love someone as a whole. We accept bigger things about our spouses – family, parents, and even children from past relationships. What’s a few annoying habits, right?
Great post. I enjoyed it.
Hi Anne, I have also found it extremely helpful to view those little idiosyncrasies as entertaining rather than irritating.
Great ! I’ll send the link to my girlfriend.
When undergoing a storm, remember the sky used to be of a great blue.
It’s so easy to get tangled into the routine and forget those little magic ‘sparkles’ which triggered the great fire of romance when it all begun.
Thanks for sharing Jonathan.
Thanks Henri, you are most welcome.
Thanks for this article because i was so down thinking the relationship that I am in will die since we dont have the sparks that we used to have..but now i have actually changed my mindset and i will follow the three things.
Thanks Jonathan.