What do you want to be? The simple answer to that question is the same for every single person on the planet. We all want to be happy. At the core of every other possible answer is that one underlying truth. Happiness is what we want!
It starts when we are children
When you were very young, did anyone ever ask you “what do you want to be when you grow up”? Of course they did. How did we respond? We looked around at the adults in our world to find examples of possible answers to that question. And instinctively we gave more consideration to those whose lives seemed to bring them happiness.
Have you ever considered that the question “what you want to be when you grow up” might have some built-in limiting beliefs attached to it? To our subconscious, the subtle message behind that question is “these are your choices and choosing the right one will bring you happiness.”
The programming begins
Right away we begin to believe that our own identity, and our future happiness, will depend on what we decide to be when we grow up. So, we start to look around at the choices that others have made in an effort to figure out what we should do. This becomes a reference point for our perceptions about life.
If the people around us are rich and get other people to work for them, then that’s the way we think life is. On the other hand, if the people in our world struggle just to pay their rent, are always stressed out, and never have any time off, that’s the perspective we adopt.
Reality vs. fantasy
Whatever a child sees in the world around them is what they are subtly programmed to expect from life. This all happens very early in our life, by age six. We may or may not want the reality we see, but that is what forms our perceptions and expectations of how life is.
So, while the question “what do you want to be?” may seem to represent “possibilities,” it only does that within very narrow parameters. The limits are based on the choices available to us within our immediate environment because that’s what we see as reality. The subconscious anchor here is: if that is reality, then everything beyond that is just fantasy.
Welcome to the real world
Now, here’s where the real limits get put in place. No matter what kind of hopes and dreams we may entertain his children, sooner or later we are expected to stop living in a fantasy world and start living in the “real world.”
The closer we get to adulthood more pronounced this pressure to conform. Eventually, those limiting beliefs that were programmed into us as young children are reactivated. Those subconscious messages defining a limited reality instilled in us years earlier now go to work convincing us to quit being a dreamer. That hidden program starts telling us to assume our rightful place in the established order of things. And of course, we believe that doing so is actually the road to true happiness.
Internal conflict
Is it any wonder that people find it difficult to manifest their dreams and follow through on their goals and aspirations? We’ve all got these hidden programs and limiting beliefs about what is possible and what is just fantasy. They are operating behind the curtain and silently directing our lives.
Sure, we all want a life that is more meaningful and enjoyable, but we are programmed to believe that’s not very realistic. On top of all that, we start feeling guilty for not being happy and satisfied with the life that we’ve created.
This huge contrast between the kind of reality we fantasize about and the reality we have been programmed to accept creates massive internal friction. Somewhere inside of us we all intuitively know that more is possible, and that intuitive knowledge is in direct conflict with our “real world” programming.
What’s the solution?
The only way to create inner peace and find real happiness is to find a way to harmonize our internal programming with our intuitive self. Trying to ignore our true nature will not lead to happiness. So the one viable option is to rewrite our internal programs.
We need to get rid of the limiting beliefs contained in those old programs and replace them with empowering beliefs that support our intuitive, creative nature. We need a radical program upgrade.
We need to change the question
The first step in this process is to change the premise of the original question. Instead of “what do you want to be?” which implies that what we do is the key to happiness, we need to start asking ourselves…WHO DO I WANT TO BE? When our identity is tied to “what we do” it sends a message that “we are” our job, career, or role in life. That is not what we are; it’s just one of the many things we do.
Who we are as a person is more about our values, passions, relationships, and other personal qualities. Those things are much more important than what we do. Until we tie our identity to our true self, we will never create internal harmony or experience true happiness.
First things first
This is why I believe that the path of personal empowerment and inner peace must begin by discovering our true self. Upgrading our internal programs requires that we get very clear about who we are on a core level. Once we do that, the “what we are” will unfold in a truly amazing way.
Whether you are a high powered executive, stay-at-home mom, bus driver, or brain surgeon, it really doesn’t matter. We have all been programmed to believe that what we do defines who we are. That is completely upside down! What we are should be the natural expression of who we are. When you understand who you really are on a core level, then you can be whatever you want.
So many people are pursuing money, prestige, power, or position, in an attempt to find happiness and fill the void they feel inside. Sadly, this approach never works. In fact, more often than not, this just leads to frustration because they never find what they are really looking for. They never find true happiness; they only manage to further define what they are without ever discovering who they are.
Don’t fall into this trap!
Discovering your true self is not as difficult or time-consuming as you might imagine. Locating your core values, passions, and guiding principles for internal harmony is fairly easy if you know how to go about it. It really makes no difference how long your current programs have been running your life. Within a very short time you can upgrade to a program that leads to inner harmony, personal empowerment, and yes…even happiness.
Your fantasies actually serve a useful purpose. They are the voice of your true self calling out for recognition. They are a message from your intuitive, creative nature, reminding you that true happiness really is possible. Now the question is, are you ready to answer that call?
Have you ever felt guilty for wanting more out of life?
Has the search for happiness left you feeling frustrated?
Please – speak your mind, your thoughts really matter!
If you enjoyed this article, consider email or RSS updates!
The mission of this site is to provide you with all the right strategies and resources to promote and encourage positive change in your life. All of the articles, 
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
This was an interesting read. I have a ten year old who has been asked what she wants to be… and the answer is a ballerina. That is the answer she gives, but it is also her passion and her love. She spends her time dancing down sidewalks, designing costumes, creating ballets… She has been studying ballet for eight years and I don’t see an end in sight just as I have never had to force her to attend her classes.
That said, she is not limited. Your other question became an active part of our lives this summer as she had to begin to realize that she chooses the person she is. I have raised her with this choice, but it is one thing to hear mom say it and see mom model it and another to fully realize that the choice is hers – she chooses to be happy or to be sad, to give others power or to be empowered, to be honest or dishonesty, and her favorite saying to live in the light or the shadow.
I like the idea of giving this to kids at an early age – introducing them to the idea that they get to choose the person that they are and they can be anything and everything – no limits. I hope that adults realize that they have the choice too – they can not only decide their profession but they can stop and consider the man/woman that they are and want to be… and become that person.
Thank you for this post and the others as I am working my way through reading them.
Certainly, it’s healthy for children to fantasize about what they want to be when they grow up. Most little girls want to ballerinas at some point and it’s wonderful when they can pursue their hearts passion. Our daughter was the same way and ended up teaching ballet until she was 20 or so.
It sounds like you’ve done a good job of helping her to distinguish the difference between who she is and what she does. That’s really the important point here. She may be passionate about many of the roles she plays in her life, and that’s my hope for everyone.
As long as we are in touch with who we are on a core level we can feel happy and fulfilled doing almost anything. Of course, pursuing our passions makes it all the better.
Hi Jonathan. I didn’t really realise how important my fantasies were until I hit my 30s, so for 15 years had to live in the ‘real’ world.
My real world now is part imagination, part subjective real world and part objective real world and I like where I live in my head now.
.-= Steven Aitchison´s last amazing blog post ..The Biggest Mistake that Self-Employed People Make =-.
Hi Steve, that’s exactly how I feel about my life also. The lines have all blurred to the point where I really can’t distinguish. As far as I’m concerned it’s just one big fantasy and I love it.
Jonathan –
Thanks for a stimulating post. I’m fascinated by how we develop our identity and this post certainly has a good go at describing that. I like the distinction between WHAT we want to be and WHO we want to be. I’ve always aspired to be happy more than to have a particular label or profession. Aristotle says that we are what we do and there is some truth in that as we can strongly identify with the roles and actions we undertake. I think you are right to be truly free we need to transcend this. Yet the reality is that most of us won’t reach such giddy spiritual heights. There is still a lot of power in finding a vocation – something that the universe reaches out and tells us to do. Although it may be an action based thing, it will still define us and bring happiness. You got me thinking, so thank you!
Phil
.-= Phil – Less Ordinary Living´s last amazing blog post ..Spring Clean your Mind =-.
Hey Phil, the best possible scenario is when what we do actually reinforces who we are. Doing something is how we act out our life so it should be an honest expression of who we are. That doesn’t even require that we be passionate about our jobs. Just that they don’t conflict with our true nature.
Problems arise when we violate some aspect of our true self like our personal values or standards for the sake of a job, relationship, money, etc. That’s when we create internal conflict and undermine our own happiness.
I have to refer to Celestine Chua from Personal Excellence Blog as a great example, to me, of someone who did some serious reflection, and has taken some very brave and courageous steps to create a life she is ecstatic to live. We are no different, but as you said, we have to take the time to reflect deeply, to nurture our imagination, and to know ourselves, so that we can move confidently in the direction we were created for.
.-= Steve-Personal Success Factors´s last amazing blog post ..You Don’t Have to Be Steve Jobs to Change the World =-.
Hi Steve, I’m a big fan of Cele’s blog also. All we need to do is look around and we will quickly recognize the difference between the few who have taken time discover their authentic self, and the masses who have never bothered.
The question we should be asking is why so few are willing to embrace the transformation to a more inspired life. Why would anyone choose less when so much more is possible?
There are, of course, many answers to that question, most of which are fairly easy to address. I am actually tempted to get back into some one-on-one coaching to help individuals jump those personal hurdles.
Happiness is simple. It is getting at it that seems complex, and that of course is an illusion that is way too easy to buy into.
John
.-= John – Zen-Moments´s last amazing blog post ..If You Want to Learn–Educate Yourself =-.
Hi John, you are so right about that. What few people grasp is that happiness is a byproduct of living in harmony with your true self. Those who try to pursue happiness directly only frustrate themselves. The most direct thing we can do is to decide to choose happiness. Beyond that, it’s about creating internal harmony and then living accordingly.
This is a very interesting one Jonathan. Happiness is such a elusive thing on its own as even when we think we do have it, something can raise its level even further so then did we really have happiness? And your comments about discovering yourself first, I think is oversimplified. Yes, there are methods to use to discover your values and beliefs but sometimes (and I have first hand experience with this) our own personalities actually shield ourselves from even realizing and seeing those items we actually cherish. It can take years to truly discover yourself and in fact, decades to refine it so the search for happiness being aligned with knowing ourselves is a risky one. It’s a topic I could discuss for hours actually and really enjoy the points you’ve made and caused me to thnk on.
I can say one thing I’ve grateful for in my life when it comes to happiness. When I was a kid, I aspired to be happy and always to enjoy things and have fun, which I’ve done. All the other experiences in life have supported that and so its been a journey without the need to seek happiness, since I’ve always had it and always will.
.-= Mike King´s last amazing blog post ..Book Review: The Other 8 Hours =-.
Hi Mike, I totally agree that it’s an ongoing process, not only for the reasons you mentioned, but also because we are in a constant state of change. So, we start the process according to where we currently are and what we a capable of at the time. The refinement process lasts a lifetime and I think we can embrace that.
The important thing is to take some time to figure out WHO we are , and what we stand for right now. This will influence every decision and every action from that point on. If we act in harmony with what we discover it will naturally lead to greater awareness about self.
Jonathan, it is amazing how we all speak about the same thing one way or another. Know Thyself – that’s what it all starts from. That’s the secret to happiness. So simple. Yet so few are taking this advice to heart. I loved how you put it – it’s not about what you want to do but about who you want to be. Awesome post!
Hi Lana, I know that you and I share the view that it all must start from being clear about WHO we are. We also know that the discovery process is not as difficult (in most cases anyway) as most people think it is.
You mentioned that few are taking this advice to heart and it makes me feel like I should start doing one-on-one again to help others on a very personal level. I know how good it feels to touch someone’s life that way, and I know how much you enjoy it. Much like you, I am not a traditional life coach who stays with a client for months on end. I am a transformational coach, usually three sessions max.
Who do I want to be? This is a good question Jonathan and one that I have to think about.
Hey Josue, let us know what you com up with!
Hi Jonathan,
It never occured to me about the relationship between the difficulty in reaching our dreams and the programming into ‘reality’ through our adolescence. That’s makes so much sense!
You hit the nail on the head and I agree with you., people become unhappy because they allow their career to define them yet the truth is your lively hood can be a manifestation of expressing who you truly are and that is when the real feeling of enrichment emerges.
.-= Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice´s last amazing blog post ..My Deepest Gratitude =-.
Hi Amit, there are so many different limiting programs that could have been installed in us when we were under the age of six. They can be influencing many area of our live without us have any conscious awareness of there existence. From our relationships to feelings about money, eating patterns, or just about anything else, these response patterns can create real problems.
I know this is the kind of stuff that keeps the shrinks busy, but in most cases these patterns and beliefs can be dismantled very quickly with some guided self-evaluation exercises.
It’s similar to having a hidden virus running on your computer. You know something is wrong, but you don’t know what or where. It might seem impossible to locate it, identify it, and quarantine it, but the right anti-virus software can clean it up very easily. We all need a virus sweep from time to time.
Dear Jonathan,
This is one of THE best posts I’ve ever read. It moved me to tears, and made me so proud of you for talking so bluntly.
Everyday, I ask myself where have I fallen asleep at the wheel, where an I letting conditioning limit me, or stop me from reaching my dreams and reaching my full potential and beyond in terms of experiencing Robin.
This is extremely liberating. You have a gift to express things honestly and bluntly and get right to the core issue, the “bare bones”. And I’ve noticed that it’s coming out more and more in you. It makes me wonder what else you have hidden in there. I just hope you let us see more of it, because I am realizing that you are a powerhouse of core truths. I relate SO strongly to them and the way you express them. In expressing them so bluntly you encourage that same part of me. I think more and more about speaking out with bolder truth and more conviction. Let the chips fall where they may.
This whole post speaks of FREEDOM!
I applaud you greatly, my friend.
Excellent, thrilling post.
Hugs,
Robin
.-= Robin Easton´s last amazing blog post ..Down to the Bone =-.
Dear Robin, your comment means more than I can express. Every kind of understanding reaches people on different levels. This is because we all filter information through our own unique and totally individual beliefs and perceptions. Somehow you totally get where I am coming from and that feels really gratifying.
Thank you so much!
Jonathan,
I love how you have rephrased this question to be who we we want to be? For me, that really feels like a look more deeply within…which I believe very much is where we should look to connect more deeply with what really matters.
And your thoughts on this are just so, so good. Jonathan, thank you so much for this, and for helping me to continue down this path of deeper undertanding on this journey through life….
.-= Lance´s last amazing blog post ..Sunday Thought For The Day =-.
Wow Lance, I deeply appreciate your kind expressions. You do such amazing work at Jungle of Life and it’s outstanding to have you here. Thanks for the encouragement my friend.
Hi, Jonathan
I totally understand the conflict between programming and genuine fulfillment. The hardest part is to recognize which is which, so to speak. Because programming happens so early, it’s quite difficult to isolate it. Sometimes, the worst part is that letting go of some programmed behavior makes us feel like we’re giving away something genuinely ours. Pain is unavoidable, but suffering is optional.
.-= Dragos Roua´s last amazing blog post ..Being A Digital Nomad =-.
That’s so true Dragos, and it does happen very early in life. I think changing our beliefs is one of those situations where it looks a lot different going in. At first it might feel like we are giving up something or experiencing a loss. On the other side (once we’ve done it) It feels like we’ve been set free or unburdened.
Jonathan, thank you especially for your perceptive wisdom, “The only way to create inner peace and find real happiness is to find a way to harmonize our internal programming with our intuitive self. ”
I also think that another important question, in addition to your essential “Who Do I Want To Be?” might be to ask ourselves, right now, Who Am I Being? Taking an honest look at ourselves as we are now can be a critical first step to becoming who we want to be. Thank you for another insightful, inspiring post, Jonathan. Evening greetings to you from the mountains in Japan – Catrien Ross.
.-= Catrien Ross´s last amazing blog post ..Catrien Ross on Stretching Your Potential Through the Real Power of Intention to Direct Your Energy Flow =-.
Hi Catrien, I love that question. That really is the only way to get our bearings. How can we figure out where we want to go without knowing where we are. I am so glad you pointed that out. Love your insight.
I love the phrase “the pursuit of happiness,” and how it eludes to how we strive to achieve something beautiful.
With happiness though, it’s often a case where if you are “pursuing” it, you never “find” it, because the seeds of happiness only and always lie WITHIN.
I like how you mention that we should pursue “who” we wish to become, not “what.” It places emphasis not on job title, career status, position, monetary income, but rather on what is inside us.
As a GenY writer of self-help and alternative leadership, I’m glad to have just found your blog! -Dave
Hey Dave, welcome to Advanced Life Skills. I spent some time on your blog, you’re doing a great job. I look forward to connecting with you more in the future.
Thanks for the compliments Jonathan. Happy to connect with you and your readers!
Wonderful post, Jonathan! I love what you wrote about discovering the true self. I think that in order to discover the true self, one has to practice self-love by trying to find out what is most important to a person. It would help a person turn his life around and get closer to authentic happiness.
.-= Linda @ Self Help Motivation´s last amazing blog post ..Road to Success: Keep Your Self Help Motivation Strong =-.
Exactly right Linda, that’s why my book is titled TRUE SELF. It is designed to do exactly that.
Hi Jonathan,
I understand where you are coming from with this post. I see the issue similar. I think the key to happiness is to harmonize our conscious and subconscious mind. I used to believe everyone wants to be happy too. I had to admit to myself one day though that some people do want to be miserable or at least unhappy. I know this sounds negative of me, but it seems closer to the truth to say that all people want to experience change. I am glad you are happy and your writing reflects your sincerity with humanity. Many people have discovered happiness, and I love seeing it.
Sandra Hendricks recently posted..Whatever is Important to You Matters
Hi Sandra, I think everyone wants to be happy but some have given up on it and others have become so disillusioned that they have turned negative. It’s not what they wanted, but they didn’t know how to find real happiness. Happens all the time and it is really sad. My goal is to help with the life skills that can move them toward happy if they are still willing to try.
I think happiness is in those two seconds of satisfaction after an important achievement, it’s those two seconds while you are standing up after you were laying down. It’s not a feeling, it’s a state that you can reach right after you stop chasing it, and it’s only real when shared.
I joined the military right out of high school because it seemed like the right thing to do and I thought it would give me everything I needed in life. In truth, it changed me and I was living from the thought that I had everything I needed and wanted so I should be happy. It made me someone I really wasn’t and I couldn’t feel any emotion, totally void of any kind of individualism and overall just very bland and purposeless. So, I tried to fill it with ‘real world’ things. I just thought I should be happy because I had “everything”. I am now out of the military and trying to figure out how I can fix this internal struggle and do what makes ME happy, not what I think should or what I have been taught will make happy. Until then I will probably continue to feel detached and withdrawn from everything. I would like to thank you for the great post and really helping people see a different side of things.