There are a couple of things that I’d like to clarify regarding our emotional desire to seek pleasure and avoid pain. It’s not the actual pain or pleasure that drives us, it is really something else. Any idea what that is?
Our desire to avoid pain is really based on fear. What fear? The fear of taking any action that feels like it might lead to pain.
Likewise, it’s not the actual pleasure that motivates us to take action, but our belief that a certain action will lead to a pleasurable experience. So, our movement in either direction is a response to our perception of where that action will lead.
The power of anticipation and anxiety
Have you ever noticed that the anticipation of the pain we think might result from a certain action is generally much worse than the actual experience? Here’s an example, if you’ve ever done any public speaking it’s usually the 10 or 15 minutes just before you get on stage that creates the greatest anxiety.
You may experience all kinds of symptoms like an increased heart rate, a rise in body temperature and a nauseous feeling in your stomach. At this point are any of these symptoms the result of actual public speaking? No, they are caused by your estimation of what the experience will be like, not by the actual activity.
Speaking from my own personal experiences and those of other public speakers that I know, everyone agrees that the anxiety that comes before hand generally vanishes as soon as they begin speaking. Anxiety of course, is a form of fear.
Where does the fear come from?
There are so many different kinds of fear that it is impossible to label them all, but it is possible to identify where they all come from. The reason we can do that is because fear is always related to one or more of these three primary human desires.
1) A desire for approval
2) A desire for control
3) A desire to feel secure
If you examine any fear, whether it’s the fear of rejection, fear of failure, or fear of loss, you will discover that, on an emotional level, it represents a perceived threat to our sense of approval, sense of control, or sense of security.
Fear grows or shrinks with focus
Take the example of our public speaker. Once he gets on stage and focuses on his topic, he can settle down and enjoy the experience. But during the 10 to 15 minutes before he gets on stage, he is not thinking about his topic, instead he is focused on himself. He is wondering if he’ll have the approval of his audience, if he’ll have control of his voice and body language, and the anxiety is making him feel insecure.
The solution is to focus on the outcome, the feeling of satisfaction and approval that will come from a job well done. By visualizing a pleasurable outcome there is a complete shift the focus. Excitement replaces anxiety and the expectation of pleasure replaces fear. Moving toward a pleasurable outcome is a pleasurable experience so it is one we can look forward to.
Choosing less pain and more pleasure
Now we can see that one way to avoid pain and move toward pleasure is simply to change our focus. In our example, a short-term focus created pain in the form of fear and anxiety, while a long-term focus turned the whole experience into a pleasurable one.
Once we understand the relationship between focus and pain or pleasure, we can easily change our perception of any experience. By controlling your focus you give yourself the ability to decide whether an experience will be painful or pleasurable. Then you can choose pleasure over pain.
Can you think of time when…
~ The anxiety was worse than the reality?
~ The anticipation was better than the reality?
~ The reality never happened and the fear was for nothing?
The lines are open!
This is part 2 in a 3 part series of articles dealing with pain and pleasure paradigms. If it seems like I started in the middle of the story, check out…
Part 1: The Power of Pain and Pleasure Paradigms
Part 3: Creating Your own Pain and Pleasure Paradigms
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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
That’s some important insight, Jonathan.
Pain is not so much the motivating factor that causes us to stay hidden within the cocoons of our comfort zones as much as the fear of it. That is so empowering because we are less effective at reducing pain than we are at reducing the fear of it.
I recounted elsewhere a poignant moment in the movie, “Lawrence of Arabia” where Lawrence holds a match as it burns out between his fingers. A friend watches in amazement, tries it, and screams when he burns himself and yells, “That bloody hurt!” Lawrence smiles and says, “Of course it hurt. The trick is in not caring that it hurt.”
I think that captures the idea very dramatically. It’s not the pain, it’s the fear of the pain that keeps us from venturing out into the unknown — usually the place where success resides!
Hi Ken, in the case of burning objects on my skin, I prefer to avoid them rather than reframe the sensation, but I get to correlation. Think of how many people make a habit of adding pain to everyday experiences by complaining about trivialities. How much better to focus on the positive and replace fear with excitement.
Hi Jonathan,
keep the end game in mind. If you’re end game is pleasurable enough to aim for, keep that in mind. There may be pain on the way however as you said “focus” will (hopefully) get you there if the end game is powerful(pleasurable) enough. We all experience pain of some sort, it’s how we deal with it that makes the difference, I believe. Some pain simply takes time to heal.
be good to yourself
David
Hi David, there is such a distinct difference between those goal oriented individuals who focus on the great results they are going to create and those whose quest for immediate comfort and gratification shackles them to a life devoid of adventure. My goal is always to balance living fully in the moment while my long term and short term goals guide my direction.
Thank you for another wonderful subject Jonathan….staying focused in the moment may help this too…..choice is ours for certain – I choose pleasure!
In gratitude,
Nancy
Hi Nancy, focus has a greater influence on attitude than just about any other factor. If the present moment is pleasurable then focus on it. If however, we are facing great challenges in the present, then focus on the horizon (old sailors trick).
I’m not sure about your take on fear Jonathon. I don’t mean that it is wrong, I’m wondering if it can take account of needing to go through a painful medical procedure for long-term benefit; that kind of thing.
That is an interesting example Evan, so let’s take a closer look. Anytime a person goes through such a procedure, it is because they need some intervention to fix a big problem. The goal is to get rid of the problem so the future will be better than what they are dealing with in the present. The trick is to focus on how much better life will be without that medical problem. Is there fear involved? Absolutely, but mostly it is fear of the unknown. The actual discomfort (in most cases) is pretty short lived. It’s the fear of “what if” that causes the majority of the anxiety and pain. In this case, working at conquering the fear will easy the pain and focusing on a healthier future will help us move toward pleasure.
Thanks for your reply. I chose the example of a medical procedure because what is involved can be well known in advance. Though I suppose the person may be unsure of whether they will cope with it.
I am glad to hear that it was just an example. I was a little concerned that you might be facing some big medical challenge. So glad to hear that’s not the case!
This is so timely Jonathan. Just yesterday, I had a bit on anxiety come up. It’s an old, dying belief that I’m almost done releasing, and I triggered it a little. Because I’ve been working on it, I wasn’t taken by surprise and within seconds, I shifted my focus and felt better. It was so empowering, I found myself almost daring the anxiety to come back so I could feel the empowerment of shifting it again.
It really is all about shifting our focus.
Hugs,
Melody
What a great story Melody, once we experience that kind of personal control over those once fearful situations it opens a big door of possibility for conquering other limiting challenges in life. Go get ‘em.
You can shift from fear of the mind to the excitement of the heart with simply focusing on a pleasurable outcome. Once we understand that we have the choice.
It is easy, but so important.
Thanks for sharing this great post, Jonathan!
Hi Marc, refocus and reframe, two valuable life skills indeed.