This is a guest post by Larry Scott at StarLightWalker
If you are anything like me, the idea of failure conjures up all sorts of negative images and feelings. Indeed, one of the hardest lessons for me to learn (and one that I must admit that I am still in the process of learning) has been the understanding the fact that failing at a particular task does not mean that I am a failure.
I am not sure where this tendency to identify myself with the outcome of my efforts originally came from, but there is no doubt that it is a deeply ingrained, habitual pattern of evaluating myself and the world. For as far back as I can remember I have always had a sense of needing to “earn” love and acceptance - by getting good grades in school, merit badges in Boy Scouts, and later in life through promotions and salary increases at work.
Within this worldview my value as a person was not something intrinsic; rather, it was tied to my achievements, and as a result there was a strong sense that success made me a better person and failure made me a worse person. The power was in success, not failure. Given this habitual perceptual frame, it takes persistence and an almost stubborn optimism to remind myself that I am not my outcomes!
Results do not equal value
When you step back and examine the premise of this worldview, it becomes apparent that there is something insidiously self-sabotaging in the agreements that support its structure. In what way could failure – whether at school, at work, or even at play – cause me to be a worse person? And for that matter, why would success have the power to cause me to be a better person?
What linkage is there between my ability to perform a task or achieve a goal and my worth as a person? When you give it a bit a thought, it becomes clear that this premise is absurd. My value as a person has nothing to do with whether or not I succeed or fail at a particular task.
Self worth is not accomplishment
The absurdity of the idea of earning value through success becomes particularly clear if we apply it to very specific examples. Am I a better person if I am successful at badminton and a worse person if I fail to hit the birdie? Am I somehow a better person if I succeed at making a soufflé?
If it is clear in these instances that the entire premise of the statement is nonsense, why would we buy into this worldview when the subject is the grades I get in school, the level of income I earn, or the job title I have at work? Yet how many of us, particularly success-driven self-improvement nuts like me, have bought into these kind of beliefs?
Failure can stimulate personal growth
In the realm of personal growth, my experience is that failure and crisis have the power to stimulate growth whereas success tends to limit the opportunity for growth. When we succeed there is little pressure to examine our ideas or behaviors, as the fact that we are succeeding indicates that our current strategies and tactics are working. As a result, when we are on a roll – succeeding – we tend to repeat our behaviors in an effort to maintain the status quo.
As a result, while these periods may exhibit incremental growth and improvement they very seldom precipitate radical breakthroughs or transformation. Rather it is failure that is the harbinger of dramatic growth and transformation.
When we fail we tend to ponder, to re-examine our strategies and tactics – and in so doing we are often forced to question the core assumptions and beliefs that are the foundation and basis for our current life strategies. Failure urges us to question the foundational concepts of ourselves and our world, and in so doing encourages us to expand our perspective. And it is in this questioning of our preconceived views that miracles and magic occur.
How do you view achievement and failure?
Do you find yourself linking results to self worth?
What’s your response to this article?
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I really am a failure. I don’t want to be but, it’s true. I was born dead; in retrospect it seems life was trying to get me out of the way from the start. I was physically and mentally abused as a child, severely. I tried to forget about it but now it seems my dad knew what I was all those years ago. I tried many jobs but nothing fit, I tried to go to college but couldn’t get the money, even though I graduated #1 in high school. I tried the military; only the marines would take me. At the time, the air force wanted officers and I hadn’t been to college.
The army had a two year waiting list and I was living on the streets. I was to big for the Navy; I’m not fat at all, my shoulders are really wide. I’m built weird. In the Marines I fell from 15 feet and landed on something that fractured my back. Back to the streets for me. That was 25 years ago. Many jobs later I am now disabled from disease. I could never do anything right in life. You can’t say that I gave up ; I just never had a success.
Hi John, sounds like a real struggle my friend and I feel for you, but it is not a helpless situation, I promise you. Whether you realize it or not, our personal beliefs play a huge role in how we view our own life. Your estimation of your successes and failures will depend entirely on the framework of your personal belief system. If our efforts in the past have not produced the results we intended then several failed attempts can combine to form a limiting belief system.
Is there a way to change an unwanted belief system? Yes and here’s why; while personal experiences contribute to our beliefs, we need to keep in mind that there is always more than one way to interpret any situation. We have the ability to decide what value we will assign to any experience in our life. Each of us has the capacity to view even a negative experience as something valuable.
People often develop limiting beliefs because in the past they have been unable to achieve the results they wanted. When past efforts have led to pain instead of pleasure, it is easy to conclude that further efforts will just lead to more pain. This type of mindset creates a negative reinforcement loop. With each painful experience, fear increases, commitment decreases, and self-esteem is further eroded. Consequently, a lack of commitment produces disappointing results that reinforce the limiting belief.
When this occurs in more than one area of our life, there is a danger that we may start viewing ourselves as destined to fail. Such a belief pattern is based on an exaggerated emotional reaction to the pain of disappointment.
Chapter 6 of my book TRUE SELFis all about changing these limiting belief systems and replacing them with empowering ones. If you truly want to break this cycle of failure I urge you to get the book and work your way through all of the exercises in the first 6 chapters. I know it will help!
Just in case you are wondering, the rest of the book is designed to move you progressively toward the achievement of success in every area of your life. Once you understand what it takes to succeed you will be able to apply these strategies and radically increase your results. With repetition, your successes will form a sound foundation for a new and empowering set of personal beliefs.
Things may appear hopeless right now, and it’s easy to understand why you might feel that way. But please believe me when I say that you are not a failure and I can prove it if you will allow me. With the right knowledge and a little effort you can turn this lifelong cycle around and completely transform your life.