* Editors Note: This is a guest post from John Anyasor of HiLife2B
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We go through life being taught by our friends, family, and mentors that we shouldn’t judge others. It’s not fair to the other person when we judge them before we know them.
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But is it really possible to stop being judgmental?
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My answer is no, and here’s why…
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As humans, we’ve judged situations for our entire existence. In ancient times, if something looked dangerous, it probably was. When we looked up at a dark and cloudy sky, through proper judgment, we conclude that it could be either a peaceful rain shower, or even a thunderous lightening storm. If we heard the roar of a great beast, we judged that the best thing to do is to get out of the area.
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Today, we still judge situations in the same manner. If we hear sirens, it might means danger or a relief notification. If we hear gunshots and we’re near a track meet, we judge that a race has begun. If we’re not near a track meet, head for the hills!
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So if we have judged things like this for thousands of years, how can we be expected not to judge other people? People and these situations are similar in that they give off first impressions towards which we act accordingly. Through dress and physical appearance, we determine the class or nature of a person’s being.
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A few examples include:
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- Fireman’s uniform and hat – friendly neighborhood firefighter
- Police uniform and hat – enforcer of the law, preferably friendly
- Regular suited individual – middle class worker and up
- Unfitted/baggy clothed individual – lower to middle class
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Should we assume that a firefighter is an armed robber under that uniform? That the suited individual is a street vendor? That the person wearing baggy clothes is the CEO of a Fortune 500 company?
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No. But of course, you have every right to assume those things, so go right
ahead (although I advise you not to as things could get messy).
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So what’s the solution?
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Judge if you must, but first and foremost you have to give respect. Instead of preaching to everyone to stop judging, we should be preaching to everyone to be respectful.
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It doesn’t matter how the person looks or how they make themselves out to be. Act towards a person’s actions instead of a person’s appearance. Apply this to all people regardless of where they are from. This principle will not only guide you to the people you resonate with, but it will also insure that you will be constantly surprised by the wisdom that can come from under any rock.
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“When you meet a man, you judge him by his clothes; when you leave, you judge him by his heart” – Russian Proverb
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What do you think:
Is there ever a positive side to being judgmental?
Is it important to show respect?
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John Anyasor is the founder and creator HiLife2B His blog focuses on Personal Improvement for a Good Life. He gives advice on personal development, life lessons, college life tips, and more. To learn more about John be sure to visit him at his blog.
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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey John. I agree in parts that we will always somehow make judgment based on the first impression. But with that said, I believe if you are aware of the judgment that you made is not fair to the other person, you will always somehow retract it. As least, for me personally, I tried whenever I remember that it’s not nice to judge others. Still, great article.
.-= Karlil´s last blog ..The 17 Conditions Of Lasting Love =-.
It’s only fitting to see a person for whom he or she presents him or herself albeit good or bad. Our inner wisdom knows the difference between the two. And as much as I hate to admit it, I do judge others by their behaviors. While I try to understand what is driving that person’s behavior, if it is unseemly, I will keep myself at a distance until more is revealed, so to speak. I learned years ago that I can be found guilty by association and even get arrested without having a clue what the ordeal was about until long afterward.
So yes, I do judge. It’s a self survival technique although I refuse to be the jury in the matter. My instinct tell me to “exit stage left” and to do it quickly. Then again, those are my life’s experiences. And yes, if you’re wondering, I have been taken into custody only to be released yet the ordeal could have been avoided all together if I had listened to my initial gut response.
Overall, my philosophy is “Each one teach one.”
Hey ma – if that is your real name
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Wow something that serious happened? I’m sorry to hear that. I hope everything is much better with you. To have the courage to come forth with your story is very inspiring.
I’m glad you take more care in judging, but don’t allow it to cloud your view of a person’s good side. Slowly uncover someone’s true personality piece by piece.
This is why judging isn’t all bad. It’s a natural response in certain situations. When you judge others only in a naively negative way, that is when you should take a look at yourself. Don’t judge harshly until you have reason to.
Again, I’m glad to hear your story. Thanks for sharing.
.-= John´s last blog ..Dreaming v. Realism: My Thoughts on Both =-.
Hey Karlil, glad you enjoyed the article.
About being aware that the judgment you made wasn’t fair, it’s kind of a mixed bag. While I agree that it isn’t nice to judge others, I don’t think it’s something you can stop completely. It kind of goes hand in hand with fear. It is said that we should be fearless in the face of danger, but is that really possible? Fear is hardwired into us to protect us. But it can’t control us; we can act despite the fear. It’s the same as being judgmental. We’ve been hardwired to judge situations and others before we act. But that doesn’t mean it controls us. We can still give respect despite being judgmental. And when we realize that we were wrong in our judgment, we learn something about who we misjudged. We learn that we shouldn’t judge harshly those who we do not know.
I know it may seem like the best thing to do would be not to judge in the first place, but if we didn’t judge anything, I think we’d be blind to the real problems in life. Look behind the scenes in life. Things aren’t always as flowery as they appear. Hope this clears up everything!
.-= John´s last blog ..Dreaming v. Realism: My Thoughts on Both =-.
Hi John and thanks. Ma is my name. It’s the abbreiviated form of Mary Ann. My friends have called me Ma for many many years. My late husband started the trend in the 80s. I’m also known online as Saboma. That too is my real name although it is not in a form that many utilize but they’ve gotten used to it. There isn’t any magic in that name either.
I’m at the age that I don’t care how any one else perceives my story. I don’t pull punches although I strive to be as tender and considerate as I possibly can. There are also times when I fail. [gasp!] It has never caused great injury for me to openly admit to that either. It stings, however, I’ve yet to openly bleed or have a broken bone from it. However, it is what it is.
^5!
.-= ma´s last blog ..Twitter Updates for 2009-10-01 =-.
I am not judgmental. I am more to each their own. If I don’t agree with something and speak up, it is usually when it concerns close family and friends where we agree to disagree. People are only going to take advice when they want it too. You can’t shove it down their throat.
As for acquaintances, I give people the benefit or the doubt until proven other wise. I have a good perception with people skills.
.-= BunnygotBlog´s last blog ..Garbaolge! =-.
Oh let me clarify the agreeing to disagree maybe approval is a better word. In close relationships ( family and friends ) there are stages that one goes through. The way one dresses, body piercings, and tattoos, the people they date, etc. can give people the wrong idea.
Geez, I used to be afraid of the Hells Angels but the ones I have met at Americade, have been very nice. So you can’t judge a book by its cover.
.-= BunnygotBlog´s last blog ..Garbaolge! =-.
Hey Bunny,
ha ha, Glad you cleared up your last comment
Everybody judges at one point in their life, I’m just saying that it’s not too much of a bad thing. I’m sure you get the picture from your experience with the Hell Angels
Thanks for your input.
.-= John´s last blog ..Dreaming v. Realism: My Thoughts on Both =-.
Hello John. I agree with this post. When are told not to judge a person before we meet them, but pre-judging a person protects us from harm. This has been derived in human beings for thousands of years, when the human beings needed to quickly identify a predator such as a tiger chasing after them.
We all judge base on appearance at some level, but if we judge people more on their actions, it will give us a deeper understanding of who they really are as a person. The last thing I wanted to say is that I liked how you pointed out to respect people despite what their appearance turns out to be, and then go from their by their actions.
.-= Tristan Lee´s last blog ..Success Story #3: Harland Sanders =-.
I don’t think it is about whether judging is good or bad – Actually the answer to that question is a judgment….
The real question to me is “does judging another being serve me?” – The answer is always no…. It does not serve me nor does it serve the other.
I’m not saying I don’t judge – as you have pointed out – we just seem to do it. I like to remind myself of the statement that my mother indeed taught me – “You can’t judge a book by it’s cover” That is the truth about books and I have found it is the truth about people.
When I am aware of my judging I like to step back and suspend it… And let the journey unfold…. It is always an interesting journey!
.-= Ellie Walsh´s last blog ..Law of Attraction Carnival #54 =-.
Wise words Ellie, you have a good grasp of the big picture and I find that extremely refreshing. Thank you for bringing your insight to the conversation.
John, to me, I think your examples lend more to prejudice which is really pre-conceived notions from past judgment than judgment itself. Judgment to me is more about judging people’s actions and behaviors and choices, not their looks. Judging someone’s decisions or merit of right and wrong is an area that can be useful. It’s dangerous ground though if you are not prepared to be judged by the same criteria yourself. The value can be as a teaching tool and for showing morals and challenging people’s morals. I’ve made the recommendation myself however that it is much wiser to NOT judge others, since few people are prepared for true Godly judgment. Interesting question!
.-= Mike King´s last blog ..Book Review: The Pursuit of Something Better =-.
Great thoughts, Mike. I agree that there is more to judging than just looks. Behavior and character should always be among the first things to be judged. I still find it hard to not “completely” prejudge, but despite that, I will always give respect.
I’m glad that we have so many views and life experiences by which we can understand each other. I love all of these comments
.-= John´s last blog ..Dreaming v. Realism: My Thoughts on Both =-.
I think the key is distinguishing evaluating vs. judging. For me it comes down to getting enough facts first – people are going to judge you by the people that you associate with so evaluation is important. I was writing this AM about an evaluation formula and looked up evaluating people… and found almost no articles… then I looked up judging people and found far more.
.-= Tom Bailey´s last blog ..Tidbits =-.
Excellent point Tom, thank you for making that distinction. Evaluation is a form of discernment that allows us to weigh the pros and cons of any situation. It considers the consequences before drawing a conclusion. We could hope that our judgments would be along the same line, but all to often judgment sides with impulse rather than careful evaluation.
Hi John I hear what you’re saying here however some of what you are talking about is conditioned responses. Like Pavlov’s dogs – when they heard a bell they automatically salivated which is a conditioned response. This is the same as your examples above, like hearing the sirens – its a conditioned response to be more alert.
Being judgemntal is different, I believe. I think it’s extremely difficult not to judge people on our first meeting but I also believe we can practice being less judgemental.
thanks for the post it was food for thought.
.-= Steven Aitchison´s last blog ..Your True Achievement Expectations Have High Accuracy =-.
Thanks for your thoughts Steven. I agree with your first paragraph, but I’m a bit skeptical about the second. In what ways can we be less judgmental? Judging itself is an automatic response. Like I’ve said above, it’s just how the human brain works. What we should be doing is controlling our actions despite that judgment.
.-= John´s last blog ..Dreaming v. Realism: My Thoughts on Both =-.
Hi John, I’m enjoying this conversation so much I thought I’d throw in my two cents. I think there’s an important distinction between judgment and discernment. The way I see it is, unlike judgment, discernment makes the call from a more objective standpoint without pigeonholing the other person.
That said, I also want to acknowledge that it’s quite possible for people to be using different words to describe the same concept. Sometimes that happens because we have a preconceived idea of what a word means to us personally (in other words, we’ve made a judgment), instead of looking beyond the verbiage and really getting the sense of what is being said.
I think you have to give people the benefit that they can establish their own identity whether I agree with it or not.
I was raised in a very social atmosphere in New York City. When someone is different it doesn’t mean they are unethical it means they are brave enough to be different and you know people are always going to remember you if you are not fading into the norm but standing out as an individual.
.-= BunnygotBlog´s last blog ..Garbaolge! =-.
@Jonathan – I like the distinction there with discernment, that certainly aligns with that I was thinking. Whether preconceived or not, the idea of acting on judgments using an acute sense of what should or should not be used for those decisions is a great thing to have. This is where judgment can be very helpful, especially in those moral standards.
@Bunny – yes, the various backgrounds of people can’t be associated with ethics directly, its more about the choices and actions they may have learned from such an upbringing. If one can learn to set aside those differences and use judgment acutely and when useful (like with ethical and moral issues) then frees each other to see and experience each other for who we really are much more easily.
.-= Mike King´s last blog ..Book Review: The Pursuit of Something Better =-.
It’s an important part of life that we judge situations (and people are included in those situations sometimes) and make decisions based on those judgements. ‘Is this situation likely to be good for me or bad for me?’ And often that judging happens very fast and below the surface of our consciousness.
What I’ve tried to do over the last years is to slow down my judging and bring it into my awareness. That way I can make decisions with much greater awareness and not allow my automatic judgements to rule.
And this is especially important with other people. I choose not to believe my moralistic judgements about others (those I can catch anyway) and not to respond to them (eg this person is good, an idiot, beautiful … whatever). I am not better or worse than anyone else, so I’m not in any position to believe these kinds of judgements whether they come from me or someone else.
.-= Ian | Quantum Learning´s last blog ..Don’t just do something! Sit there! =-.
Hey Ian, Glad to see you here.
Yes, slowing down your judging is a great method. It’s a good way to act despite of a possible impulse to prejudge.
It’s interesting that you bring up a side of the argument that puts someone above you instead of below you. Just because someone is well-dressed and rich doesn’t mean that they are more polite and/or better than you. Regardless of social standing and physical appearance, always give respect.
Thanks for your insights, Ian.
.-= John´s last blog ..Dreaming v. Realism: My Thoughts on Both =-.
Judgmental yes, but first make a strong effort to see the others’ situation and viewpoints. We may learn something that will broaden our outlook and improve our knowledge. Also the other person will appreciate the attention and will be friendlier and also more receptive.
“He will succeed if he remains firm in principle and goes beyond selfish considerations to mingle freely with those who do not share his feelings, as well as those who do.” – I Ching
.-= Grampa Ken rants at Social Fix´s last blog ..Simple Living Neighborhoods =-.
Nicely said Ken, thanks for adding you insights.
Interesting article, but I can’t say that I agree. Of course, I agree that giving respect is the most important thing. However, I think that being judgmental comes from a place of fear within us. And I’d say that the more productive thing to do is to deal with your fear rather than constantly finding reasons to arouse it. Overcoming deeply held fears is a major element of personal growth.
.-= Nea | Self Improvement Saga´s last blog ..What It Really Takes to Achieve the Impossible =-.