Editor’s note: This is a guest post by Marion Anderson of The Second Half of My Life and Clear Vision Coaching
How can I be better at starting conversations? What can I do to improve my ability to start conversations with people I have just met? Have you ever felt the need to make improvements in this area? If so, don’t feel too bad because these are some of the most common questions that I get asked by my coaching clients.
I’ll be the first to admit that there is plenty of information out there designed to teach you how to start conversations with people. I also need to confess that I have a problem with much of it. Why? Because nowhere have I ever read this one basic suggestion – be yourself.
The “how to” explanations are often lists of reminders to do things like: maintain eye contact, watch your body language, keep smiling, mirror their body language, ask questions, and regurgitate what you have read in the newspaper.
When I meet you I want to get to know YOU, and frankly, if you are staring into my eyes with a fixed smile on your face, copying my mannerisms, interrogating me and recounting this morning’s newspaper, I will probably be running for the nearest exit.
Think about it. If I approached you in that way – how long would you hang around?
What do we have in common?
Okay, I realize that you and I are not exactly the same, but we do have things in common. Granted, you may not share my love of the countryside. So, if I went on and on about the osprey I saw today, you might not feel like we have much to share.
On the other hand, we are all members of the human family. That means that we all share some common ground. For example: We all want to be loved, respected and valued, right? Exactly how we want those things may vary, but the desire is still the same.
If we start a conversation in a room full of strangers, we would both want to…
- feel comfortable in each other’s company
- make a good impression on each other
- not be thought of as boring or stupid
We have a much better chance of achieving those goals by being ourselves rather than attempting to be someone we are not.
Why we should reach out to start conversations?
As human beings we all want to be valued for who we are and what we contribute.
How would you feel if you lived next door to someone and you discovered that they had been without groceries for a week because they had struggled during bad weather to get out shopping?
If you are like me, you probably would have said – “you should have called me, I would have been happy to pick up some groceries for you”.
The truth is, we like to help and to give. When we contribute we feel validated, happy and useful. When we don’t have this we spend our lives in a constant search for validation and meaning.
Connecting with others gives us the opportunity to contribute, to give to others. Sometimes we give simply by sharing our own story, or our thoughts in conversation.
We all have a unique story. Your story could inspire me in ways that you will never know. My story might even do the same for you. We can give and receive value by talking and listening to one another.
Use curiosity to start conversations
By nature we are inquisitive beings. We all have some degree of natural curiosity. Just like children our curiosity helps us to learn and share. When we are curious we are open to new things and that makes us more attentive to those around us.
Our curiosity often prompts us to ask questions. And while questions do demonstrate our interest in the other person, not all questions are created equal. Here are a few that we should be careful with.
Are you married? This is a closed question because it often leads to a simple yes or no answer and we want our questions to give the other person an opportunity to share their story with us.
What do you do for a living? Is this a question that you would want someone to ask you? This can be a hit or miss question. Currently there are so many people losing jobs that you could be touching on an area that the other person does not want to talk about.
What hobbies do you have? Do you really want to know the answer to this question? Remember, the answer could be something that you have no interest in.
If I meet you I want to find out what makes you unique. I want you to be interested enough in me to ask genuine questions that will allow me to share my story with you.
7 basic guidelines for starting conversations
1) Be yourself
2) Be loving and respectful
3) Seek out what makes the other person unique
4) Ask genuine questions
5) Always give the other person an opportunity to share their story
6) Listen for the value in their words
7) Look for the opportunity to give value back to them in your story
Some say that there is an art to conversation. Perhaps the best way to start conversations is to simply be yourself and to speak from your heart.
When you meet someone new, what sparks your curiosity about them?
What is unique about you that other people might find interesting?
How do you like to be approached by a new person?
Marion Anderson is an ICF accredited life and business coach at Clear Vision Coaching. She is passionate about personal development and about living the best possible life. To learn more about Marion and her approach to life and coaching visit her blog: The Second Half of My Life.
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{ 48 comments… read them below or add one }
I just had to comment this post, since this is a topic I talk about quite a lot in my training and coaching. I find that curiosity is the best thing for starting conversations. It will naturally get you asking questions, listening, commenting, and getting those wheel spinning. After a couple of minutes, you’ll be lucky if you can get the other person to shut up
Absolutely Eduard
Genuine curiosity is a great conversation starter. People pick up very quickly that you are interested and are usually very happy to start talking. If it is not genuine curiosity you will get bored with the reply and the other person will pick this up.
Marion recently posted..How to Succed with Success
Marion great article. Genuine curiosity can be sensed quickly by most people. We all want to talk about ourself and share what’s happening in our life. Many people struggle with what to say in new situations. This is great info. Thanks, Phyllis Reardon
Hi Phyllis
People are amazing – if you give them the chance to show you. They are often just as concerned about knowing what to say as we are.
I think that is a great point to realize because it takes the pressure from us.
Thank you for taking the time to comment
Marion
Marion recently posted..How to Succed with Success
I’ve heard it said that each person we meet has something to teach us. I love the idea of being curious. It could take some work to ferret out what is unique in a stranger’s story.
Absolutely Alison
What fun we can have uncovering that story. When we are curious we are children trying to work out how things tick. If we adopted that more in our adult life – what fun we could have.
Thank you for comment
Marion
Marion recently posted..How to Succed with Success
Your advice on asking questions that get people to tell their story is right on. Sometimes I’ll catch myself asking questions like this. When I just get a “yes” or “no” it’s like walking into a stop sign. Thanks for the great insight. Cheers!
Hi Jovan
Like all things it takes a bit of practice. When I was training to be a coach, a master coach would listen to me and make comments after the session. We ask more of these closed questions – yes/ no answers than we realize. Keep watching out for those questions and turn them around.
Thank you for your comments
Marion
Marion recently posted..How to Succed with Success
Thinking some more about what you wrote Marion, I quite recently learned that asking people what they do is expected in the USA.
Coming from Scotland, I thought that to be a rather intrusive question, and one which was used to categorize people into classes. As if we want to determine whether a person is worth our attention. So, I was really surprised when another ex-pat Brit told me I should ask people what they do. Maybe people were even offended that I wasn’t asking!
I’d be interested to hear your take on this Marion, as a Scot, and Americans should chip in and tell me, was I given the right advice? These cultural differences can be tricky!
Alison Kerr recently posted..How to Grow Beautiful Roses Organically
Hi Alison
Never feel that there is a subject which you can’t talk to a Scottish person about. We have opinions on everything and love conversation. The chances are we have a long lost relative living near you.
When I speak to someone with an American accent I double check to ensure the accent is American and not Canadian. You might want to do the same with the British Accent as we could come from one of 4 countries. For some people it is important to get it right.
We Brits are much more like you than you would imagine
Marion
Marion recently posted..How to Succed with Success
Marion, that didn’t come out quite right, I think. Yes, we are more alike than you imagine, because I AM a Scot who moved to the USA. I hope that makes sense in the context of my comment.
As a Scot, do you think it’s a bit icky to ask someone what their job is when you’ve just met them? Just curious… I want to know what Americans, and others too of course, think also. Do you expect this question, like it, feel neutral about it, or dislike it?
Alison
Personally I usually steer away from asking people what they do because I used to be a tax consultant and if I was at a party I tended to get asked tax questions.
I like the Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
” It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing”
Culturally I think it is a question that I expect to be asked. It is a question that most people do ask.
Marion
Marion recently posted..How to Succed with Success
I do not like being asked this question for two reasons. The first is because I’m in IT so one of two things happen too often. I get asked me computer questions or someone will go “Hey, by the way, I understand technology, here’s a useless fact to prove it”. The other issue is job description becomes a self description. People assume this is how I spend all my time. Although I must admit sometimes I am entertained by what people say based on assumptions. Makes for great tweets!
I agree with that Jovan
We are all much more than the job we do. Lots of people leading very interesting lives outside their work roles
Marion recently posted..How to Create a Perfect Day
Marion, An excellent post, written with sensitivity. My approach to starting a conversation is to “throw out bait,” that is asing a question that a person can’t resist answering. Such as,”What’s your all-time favorite movie?”
I don’t have a problem with people asking me what I do, but I hate that sometimes men ask other men that question, but nobody asks the women.
Hi Madeleine
I love the “throw out bait” idea. That’s a great approach for testing out the water.
Now the men asking men what they do but not asking women – there could be lots of reasons for that. My favorite that I have come up with is – they prefer to ask questions to get to know the woman herself rather than what she does. But hey I am a romantic
Marion recently posted..How to Succed with Success
The CommentLuv plug-in doesn’t seem to be working right.
Hi Madeleine, sometimes commentLuv has trouble connecting with the feed from some of the blogs. It can be a feed problem, a connection problem, or (as is the case most often) an internal problem from the commentLuv servers. Unfortunately there is no way to fix it on this end. Thankfully your name still links to your site. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Sometimes something happens with CommentLuv servers that places a ban on your URL. You have to go to their site and unban URL.
Sandra Hendricks recently posted..Everything Links to Build a General Concept
Great post Marion!
the idea to run away if someone is obviously and only following static advises made me smile – probably because I like your point so much to be yourself when asking questions.
Alison has a good point about cultural differences and a resulting need to adapt our questions to it (just as well as we’d do it depending on the individual). I think that it is also a great door opener to a multitude of questions and curiosity
Don’t mind questions about my profession by the way, it makes it fun to open up the span of things I do – IT as a professional, project management in my favorite ngo and coaching as a new experience ..
Hello Francoise
Your comment has made me think. I wonder if we are happy talking about what we do when we are enthusiastic about it? You are doing many things and sound as if you are enjoying all of them.
Marion recently posted..How to Succed with Success
Yes indeed, Marion. It’s no mystery… there is nothing like the real thing, baby
. People will always be enamored with authenticity.
Hi Rob
You got it in one. But if we know authenticity is the key – why do we still find it hard at times to start a conversation?
Marion recently posted..How to Succed with Success
“Why do we still find it hard at times to start a conversation?”
I think it’s because we feel vulnerable. If we want to know what makes a person tick, then they may reciprocate. But we don’t know if a person we just met is someone we can trust with our inner thoughts, with something we really care about. Asking bland questions seems a safer route, though it’s not likely to get us where we want to go.
We can always choose what and how much we want to share. Also there are a lot of layers to each of us before we hit the area of our inner thoughts
Marion recently posted..How to Succed with Success
Finally getting over here to visit! Great post, Marion. I love it when people want to know what sort of things I love to do – what my passions are. And I like to ask other people that sort of thing too – what they like doing in their spare time, etc. Seems we all relax when we recall our favorite activities.
Jean Sarauer recently posted..What Are You Doing to Yourself
Hi Jean – lovely to see you here
You make a very valid point – we do love to share our passions and if we can be curious enough to discover the other person’s passion- we have a great conversation and perhaps the start of a new relationship
Marion recently posted..How to Succed with Success
Hi Marion,
I think that you need to have an interest i people – all sorts of people – which makes it easier to start conversations with complete strangers. It can be very tough for some people to just blindly start talking to a stranger, but it gets easier with more practise.
Karen recently posted..Finding Out Who You Really Are Takes Love And Courage
Hi Karen
You have a good point. If you are interested in people it is easier to be curious about them and to start that conversation.
Connection with others is massively important for a happy and healthy life – we need people. Many folk are actually standing back hoping that you will be the one to speak. I agree – it does get easier the more you do it.
Marion recently posted..How to Succed with Success
@ Jonathan, Thanks for responding about the CommentLuv problem.
@Jovan, Thank you for the directions you posted on the Blogging Forum about fixing the problem. I really appreciate the help.
@Marion and all, The other day I read that a certain blogger was often asked socially what she did. She said that her answer, “I write about end-of-life issues” was a real conversation stopper.
Madeleine Kolb recently posted..Cook 1 Chicken- Make 5 Meals for 2
Oh Madeleine – That did make me laugh!
Marion recently posted..How to Succed with Success
Hi Marion. Being genuine with others is definitely the most important piece of starting conversations with new people. No matter how many other communication principles we follow, there is no substitute for simply being who you are.
Nea | Self Improvement Saga recently posted..7 Links Challenge
Hi Nea
Absolutely – no one is better at being us than we are. When we move away from that and attempt to be someone we are not or pretend to be interested in something that we are not – that is when we let ourselves down.
Thank you for taking the time to comment
Marion
Marion recently posted..How to Succed with Success
Hi Marion, I just wanted to take a moment to welcome you as a guest blogger and to say how pleased I am to see your article stimulate so much interaction. There is something so entertaining about being an observer on your own blog and enjoying the show from the sidelines. You are doing a wonderful job of connecting with everyone and I hope you are enjoying it as much as I am.
Hi Jonathan
Thank you for your kind comments and for trusting me with your readers. They are the most important guests here.
I have had a lot of fun and am looking forward to reading one of your own posts tomorrow.
Many thanks
Marion
Marion recently posted..How to Succed with Success
This was a great post Marion – now if only I knew who exactly that self was so I could be it, I would be on my way
David
Be kind to yourself and learn to love yourself. If you are interested there is a post on my site – the one lesson I wish had learned earlier in my life.
That was how I discovered who I was.
Good luck
Marion
Marion recently posted..How to Succed with Success
Hi Marion,
Nice info you have here. Many people struggle to make conversation with others. What I usually do is focus on the similarities that I share with others and things seem to go smoothly and conversation seems to flow. Thanks for sharing
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Hi Dia
We all have something in common and as soon as we find that common thread we relax and conversation flows because we feel the other person understands us in some way.
Thank you for stopping by.
Marion recently posted..How to Succed with Success
Great post Marion! I think the throwing out bait idea is a great one, and one I use myself at times… and it’s always more fun to ask something interesting and a little different than the standard how are you, what do you do, where are you from hoopla.
Cori Padgett recently posted..Attract Your Perfect Client and Enslave Them So Only YOU Can Satisfy Their… Erm… Biz Needs!
Hi Cori
Bait throwing is good fun especially when it is light. One of the best I heard recently was at the local hospital.
A group of people were waiting to have blood taken for tests. One chap turned to the others and said “Are the vampires running late or do you think there is too much daylight in here for them?”
That really broke the ice!
Thank you for your comment
Marion recently posted..How to Create a Perfect Day
“When I meet you I want to get to know YOU, and frankly, if you are staring into my eyes with a fixed smile on your face, copying my mannerisms, interrogating me and recounting this morning’s newspaper, I will probably be running for the nearest exit.”
I cracked up laughing on that one! Great job.
Stephen – Rat Race Trap recently posted..Don’t Give Away Your Happiness
Hi Stephen
Thank you for your comment. In my book there are two secrets to personal development and the game of life:-
- be your own best friend
- be able to find the humor in the situation
Thank you for stopping by.
Marion
Marion recently posted..How to Succed with Success
I think that eye contact, a smile and an honest interest somebody else’s life is the most important, but I also agree with all things in this post.
godlark recently posted..Response cached until Wed 11 @ 10:50 GMT (Refreshes in 23.10 Hours)
A smile a smile is a welcoming gift and often very contagious. Yes I agree a nice smile can open doors.
Thank you for your comment.
Marion recently posted..What is Reality
Hi Marion,
Finally getting on internet after awhile. Very impressive first guest post!! We humans are social creatures so getting to know others is always great to know more about. I like “be yourself” when meeting new people, it puts us and others at ease! Good job.
Hi Preeti
Yes we are indeed social creatures – we grow from the connection with others.
Thank you for dropping by
Having good, confident conversations is one of the building blocks to becoming more outgoing–and in turn more confident in general. I work with guys who have a hard time talking to women, and this is something they really struggle with. I know you weren’t writing with that segment in mind, but the info you have is really interesting and I’m going to incorporate some of the principles in my daily work. I’m starting a series of posts about becoming outgoing/confidence building on my blog and hope it will help people get out of the rut they find themselves in. Thank you for the great information. JT