I was preparing to write an article about the damaging effects of criticism, and then something unexpected happened. I was reading one of my favorite blogs called: The Inner Noodle, and there it was. Everything I wanted to say crafted into a very powerful two part article.
What was I to do?
The only responsible course was to share this wonderful with you in it’s entirety in hopes that you will enjoy it as much as I did. The authors name is Jay Frawley and he is the magic behind The Inner Noodle. So without further delay, I give you…
How to Go on a Criticism Diet
Part 1
This article has been in my noodle for a while, but today something happened that sparked its completion. I was sitting in the car waiting for my wife Tina to come out of the restaurant and next to the restaurant was a group of kids smoking outside a coffee shop. They were all high school age, and one stood out that sparked this story. He was a big kid, decked out in a bedazzled jean jacket with patches saying death and blood, blond spiked hair, large earrings, and the pinkest shirt I have ever seen. He was impossible to miss, and my inner critic started to say things like “What is the deal with this kid?”
Two Questions That the Inner Critic Can Not Answer
We all do this, admit it. We think we are somehow better than people just because they might be a little different from us. How can we stop this thought process? Is there someway to shift our thought pattern from superiority to empathy to love? I say there is, and it is a simple as asking yourself these two questions whenever the inner critic raises it’s judging head.
1) What else can be going on here?
2) How can I relate?
What Else Can Be Going on Here
In our example above, the kid I referred to was obviously looking for attention. He was screaming for it in fact. He wanted someone to notice him, anyone. It saddened me to think why he felt the need to go to such extremes to stand out. Is he ignored at home? Maybe he does not feel loved? Is there anything worse than not feeling loved? You see, our inner critic is part of our ego, and not a very nice part.
People speak of taking criticism as a good quality, and not being able to take “constructive” criticism as a personality flaw. I think I might have people disagree with me on this one, but no criticism is ever aimed to help. It is insults hiding behind a positive looking guise. It is like saying “no offense” before saying something offensive- it does not really negate anything. By asking “What else is going on here?” you are taking the ego out of the thought process and digging deeper into your soul, the part of you that can feel empathic towards the situation. Now lets move to how we go from empathy to love.
How Can I Relate
The one thing the inner critic does that is helpful in this situation is use your personal history to mirror the situation. Every time you find yourself being critical of someone, there is something in you that understands, because you have been there before. Sticking with the same example I started to go through my high school years and see if I could relate. Here is what I discovered:
Jean Jacket- I loved my jean jacket, I think I had Guns -N- Roses patched on it
Spiky hair- Well, I had a mullet (I know…)
Pink Shirt- That was all him, I was a black t-shirt guy, however you see the point.
I was this kid once. I had a family that worked too much, and drank even more, to busy to show me they loved me. I felt like an outsider who just wanted to be let into any circle I could find. Not only could I relate to this young man, I was him 15 years ago. Then, I started to wonder if he would discover one day that he would be OK, that he only needed to love himself, and people will come into his life and love him for who he is, not who he is pretending to be. This made me love that boy. A mere 10 minutes after I was laughing at his choice of look, I was praying that he realizes his dreams
The mission of this site is to provide you with all the right strategies and resources to promote and encourage positive change in your life. All of the articles, 
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Right on Jay! I often find myself getting hyper-judgmental about young people until I remember my own youth. Like the fabulously successful Jack Canfield, I too graduated in the half of my high-school class that made the top half possible.
I was a hell-raising trouble making jerk, but I was not a bad person inside. I was just unhappy and rebellious. As I have aged and grown in many ways, I have found myself becoming extremely tolerant of those who don’t agree with me or who are different than me.
There are usually, but not always, good reasons why people do what they do and we cannot possibly get into their shoes, even though we try – like you did. Criticism hurts and I know it hurt me when I was young.
Thank you for writing on this topic Jay and thank you Jonathan for publishing it here.
“Flatter me, and I may not believe you.
Criticize me, and I may not like you.
Ignore me, and I may not forgive you.
Encourage me, and I may not forget you.” –William Arthur Ward
Stephen – Rat Race Traps last blog post..Positivity Leads to a Flourishing Life
Wow. Thanks Jonathan for reposting on this fine site which in fact is one of MY favorites! How cool to see my post somewhere else.
@ Stephen- I think we should be proud we put that high school business behind us and became the people we did. We could have simply gone the other way!
Jays last blog post..The Paradox of Free Will
Twitter Comment
RT @mrjWells: Have you learned to calm your inner critic? [link to post]
– Posted using Chat Catcher
Twitter Comment
RT @tweetmeme How to Calm Your Inner Critic [link to post]
– Posted using Chat Catcher
Twitter Comment
Very insightful post! RT @jayfrawley: RT @tweetmeme How to Calm Your Inner Critic [link to post]
– Posted using Chat Catcher
Hi Jonathan, thanks for posting this great post.
Hi Jay, I really enjoyed reading this today, for the opposite reason. I have recently had criticism (hard to believe, I know) and while usually I take it in stride, this particular bit really made me upset. Your post made me realize why – because I felt it was an instance where somebody was criticizing me just to look smart or important – and helped to let it go. The need to show off is something I can relate to, so although I am not yet at the point where I love this person, I no longer feel the need to bash her over the head verbally.
Hi Stephen, I liked your comment. My oldest is now a teenager and sometimes it’s hard to relate. And sometimes it does make me ache that I can’t really make him understand that hey, it really does get better. I tell him all the time, but I think perhaps it’s one of those things you have to go through to go up. So, we do the best we can to make sure he knows he is loved and accepted by us no matter what.
I really love that quote you shared. They should print it on the little card that hangs in the bassinette when you have a baby.
Tracys last blog post..I’d like to introduce you to my son
It seems we can all relate to the Inner Critic. Trust me, @Jay and @Stephen, you guys were not the only ones, I grew up in the sixties. That paints a picture doesn’t it? @Tracy, thanks for reminding us how it feels for those on the receiving end. Another good reason to calm the critical beast. Jay’s enthusiasm always puts a smile on my face.
Twitter Comment
For the perfectionists! especially those on #HAHD [link to post]
– Posted using Chat Catcher