Comments on: Do You Find it Difficult to Trust Others?

By: Jonathan - Advanced Life Skills

Jonathan - Advanced Life Skills — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 02:34:55 +0000

Hi Irene, trust is a valuable yet fragile thing. Trust also doesn’t just happen, it needs to be built into a relationship. This means that first, both partners need to recognize what is required for their mate to trust them. And second, they need to be willing to work at it. I can’t tell you what to do in your relationship, but in my experience, when you feel that you can’t trust someone there is usually a reason. You will trust when someone cares enough to act in a way that allows you to feel reassured and confident that they will never betray that trust. Once wounded by betrayal, it’s hard to let yourself be vulnerable again. A truly loving and compassionate partner will understand and do what it takes to help you.

By: Irene

Irene — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 11:53:19 +0000

Hi Jonathan, (first of all please forgive my english as I am Greek)
Your article is very helpful when it comes to a general approach to trusting and being trusted. But what happens when, for instance, we do trust someone because they we had no reason not to, yet there is a feeling deep inside that we shouldnt? If we trusted someone to a certain level (in a “love” relationship” trust was broken after a year as he had mega issues with his ex. It drove me mad and I read his messenger history to find out he was flirting with a couple of girls including his ex) Is it possible to regain that trust? Is that “uh-oh there’s something shady about him” feeling the voice of instinct or the voice of insecurity? Should a second chance be given after someone has broken your trust? He is a bit secretive about “us” around strangers and in general doesn’t act like a “boyfriend” when in the presence of others. He only says “I love you” when I’m wrecked and ready to leave him. He says that’s who he genuenly is,he has a problem expressing and that he is hiding nothing at all and that I should trust him. He stresses SO much on the word “trust” and has tried-in his way- to prove me wrong about the distrust I have for his true intentions. He has also told me that my problem is not that I don’t trust him but that I don’t even trust myself. I can’t tell him that I’ve been through his personal messaging history, not only am I embarrassed for doing so but I won’t ever find out the truth as I believe he will try to make excuses and manipulate the situation, but also he’ll get so upset and agry he will instantly break up with me and say “I thought you were different. You’re just like HER after all” (he hated his ex and always says she was paranoid,jealous and that ruined a part of his life when he thought they were soulmates) We are together for almost 4 years now and I am seriously struggling, it is the first long term relationship I’m in and I have never felt this way before. I have been betrayed in horrible ways by friends and family so I do have trust issues in general. I would just love to know how the heck do you start trusting again. I do love him so I want this relationship to work but I don’t know what the difference is between “gut feeling” and “insecurity” anymore. Even if I end the relationship, what I really want is to NOT have insecurities and trust issues afterwards with other people. Help a 29year old gal here, how does one start trusting again?

By: jane

jane — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 19:53:46 +0000

Thank you Jonathan, I appreciate your comments, meantime, I continue to work on my own healing journey…

By: Jonathan - Advanced Life Skills

Jonathan - Advanced Life Skills — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 18:01:40 +0000

Hi Alexander, the subject of trust issue is both complex and involved. In fact, it has been the subject of many books and coaching sessions. Obviously, only so much can be accomplished in one article.

By: Jonathan - Advanced Life Skills

Jonathan - Advanced Life Skills — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 17:52:02 +0000

Hi Leslie, your approach seems very well balanced to me. It is foolish to openly trust everyone we meet and it is limiting to refuse to trust anyone. The only reasonable approach is cautious optimism.

By: Jonathan - Advanced Life Skills

Jonathan - Advanced Life Skills — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 17:48:22 +0000

Hi Jane, I appreciate the level of compassion and understanding expressed in your comment. It says a lot about you as a person.

By: Jonathan - Advanced Life Skills

Jonathan - Advanced Life Skills — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 17:46:03 +0000

Hello Bellamy, doing all we can to prove ourselves to be trustworthy is a sound strategy when trying to gain someones trust. Still, there is no way to actually make someone trust us. The best we can do it to try and influence their opinion of our trustworthiness (as you have done), but the decision is still theirs. Some people have deep trust issues based on emotions and experiences that prevent them from trusting others. While mutual trust may seem like the fair response from your friend, unless she is willing to open up to you and explain her issues, there really isn’t much that you can do.

By: Bellamy

Bellamy — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 10:53:01 +0000

I have always believed that to gain someone’s trust, you have to put your trust in them. But it doesn’t seem to be working for just this one relationship that I have. I have a friend, she has a very similar character to mine. We have the same train of thoughts and could easily understand each other. We’re also both very reluctant to give intimate details to people. However, I’ve grown to trust her. We’re both very honest about our thoughts, opinions and feelings and when she asked me to give the website address of my blog, which I told no one before, I refused. I eventually gave in as I thought I had nothing to lose. This blog of mine has always been private because it contains my very intimate feelings, thoughts and experiences for the past few years, most of which that I do not share with people. I also gave her the website address to my blog in hopes that I could in return, get to know the website address to her blog. Before I told her my blog address, I offered a trade, she tell me hers and I’ll tell her mine. She refused since she is strongly against letting people know her blog address as it too contains intimate details of her experiences for the past few years. Even though I know she wouldn’t tell me her blog address at that time, I was hoping that she would some day trust me enough to tell me, but it has yet to happen. I never really pursued the matter as I have always respected her; her privacy included. But it pretty much brings me down to know that she does not trust me enough and the fact that she hasn’t been completely open and honest as I have been with her. What do I do? I have thought of simply telling her that “I’d expect to know her blog address some day since I have been putting my trust in her”, since like I said, we’re both honest people, but somehow I don’t wish to make her feel pressured to tell me. I would prefer her telling me at her own accord and free will. So yup, back to my question, what do I do? Just wait for it to happen?