Let’s talk about Angela. When she was a child is seemed that nothing she ever did was good enough for her parents. They never hesitated to correct her when she did something wrong; yet they never felt the need to commend her, no matter how hard she tried.
As you might guess Angela grew up with a self-esteem problem. Even though she’s now married, has two small children and a loving husband, she still feels insecure. Do you know anyone like Angela?
We all want to feel secure
Every limiting emotion that is not due to a chemical imbalance is due to feelings of insecurity. From ancient civilizations to the new millennium, human history is a reflection of mankind’s inability to fill their need to feel safe.
The desire for security is the granddaddy of all human emotions. Every person on the planet has an inherent and insatiable desire to feel safe and secure. And efforts to fill this desire shape the actions of individuals and the course of world events.
Just as the Earth is in orbit around the sun, human behavior revolves around the need for emotional security. Wanting to feel safe and secure is closely tied to our sense of survival. This explains its position atop all other emotions.
It all boils down to our beliefs
Even though the scope of this problem is huge, there are actually simple solutions. By modifying a person’s belief systems and adjusting the signals they are sending to their nervous system, amazing transformations can occur.
I’m happy to say that Angelina has overcome her challenges. She finally has the approval she was so desperately seeking. Learning a few simple coping skills had a big impact on the quality of her life. You see, Angelina figured out that the cost of coaching was insignificant compared to the pain created by her limiting beliefs. She got her life back and that is something you just can’t put a price on.
We are all damaged goods
We all react differently to the challenges that life throws at us, but none of us is immune. However, with the right coping skills in place, we can learn to view life in a way that shifts our perception in a very positive way. For some, creating this shift might seem almost impossible, but that too is just perception.
All of us has the ability to determine our own response to any sort of experience. In most cases, with the right skills, we really can choose the meaning of everything that happens to us and this gives us the ability to essentially create our own reality.
Do you believe this is true?
What skills help you to cope with life’s challenges?
The lines are open!
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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
Thats a sad but very common story. People are often very bad at giving praise. It hurts the people around us.
Giving praise is more important than complaining.
I have seen many times how much better it is to praise good behavior and just not talk about poor behavious instead of the opposite.
Hi Daniel, yes, it is a very common story and that is a real shame. Rather than just giving praise, I personally prefer the term commendation. Although the two terms are often used interchangeably, commendation is the appropriate recognition of someones accomplishments, efforts, talents or traits. While praise can fit into this same scenario, if not well founded it can also come across as patronizing or flattery. I am probably splitting hairs here, but I just wanted to share my thoughts on the difference.
It is indeed a sad and common story. There are many damaged goods who are not aware that they can be helped – because they don’t believe that one can learn to overcome this kind of challenges. Life skills should be a part of the educational system!
Some great points Marc, the majority of my coaching clients come here looking or clues or solutions and then slowly realize that, with a little one-on-one help, they just might be able to apply some of these strategies and actually experience a personal breakthrough. It’s a beautiful process to be a part of. Your point about the educational system echos my thoughts as well. Kids spend untold hours learning things with little or no practical value, and yet there are no classes on “wise decision making” or anything else that really matters. These vital life skills end up being part of a life long “hit and miss’ experiment.
Hi Jonathan,
I think of it more as about attachment than security – though maybe that is just being picky.
I kind of half believe that it is true that we create our own reality. I do think we are response-able – to a reality that we may need to adapt to and that we haven’t entirely created.
My ways of coping are things like: reflecting and looking for patterns; asking what I really want; thinking about the situation from other points of view that I know about; taking time out and finding temporary and refreshing distractions.
Hi Evan, certainly there is an element of attachment involved, but the need for security is actually related to our survival mechanism. Obviously, we have some choices about what constitutes security and the parameters are mostly a matter of perception, but the need is hardwired into us.
Recognizing our own response patterns is can play a major role in coping and I and glad you mentioned that. Reflecting on those patterns is a skill that can serve us well.
Hi Jonathan, I do think security is hardwired in us. I also think this about attachment too. An awful demonstration of this is that abused children still have issues about attachment to parents even when the environment wasn’t secure because the parents were abusive. There are lots of positive examples from nurturing parenting too but the experience of abused children makes it stark.
Hi Jonathan
I havent been commenting on your blog for a while so here’s one. Like some of the other people above of course this is a common enough story. As a great guy, who became a quadraplegic after a car accident Art Berg said one time – “It’s not in spite of what happened to me that I am what I am but because of it”. So everything when viewed from different perspectives can been seen in a different light. Perhaps at some level it is up to us all to be able to rise above the need for approval and praise and such like. Don’t get me wrong I like everyone else enjoy praise but perhaps we need to realise there is a place within us where we know we are “pure, perfect and complete” anyway.
I find it’s great to meditate if I find a “need” for praise and such like arising and it starts to affect my feeling of wellbeing. As the saying goes “Be Still and Know”
Great article, thanks
Sean
Hi Sean, the need for approval is one that confuses people because we tend to attach it to external sources, something we have very limited control over. What we really need to feel secure is self-approval which few people realize is something we have complete control over. If we don’t have our own approval, no amount of external praise will be enough. On the other hand, when we have self-approval we feel secure at our core and are in a much better position to deal with a variety of external responses.
cheers Jonathan
I can so relate to the last few paragraphs. We all have our own share of problems and issues, but it’s how we deal with them that really matters. Sometimes, we tend to imagine things and make matters worse than they actually are.
Hi Persha, that’s exactly right. We get to decide the meaning of life’s events and to choose our response to them, even on an emotional level. This is a skill that a relatively small amount of people are aware they can develop, but for those who do it is a real game changer.
Thank you Jonathan for another wonderful post – changing our “core” beliefs can truly change our life….
In gratitude,
Nancy
Greetings Nancy, indeed, the fact that we actually can change those beliefs really opens the door on a whole world of possibility.
Hi Jonathan,
Insecurity seem rampant in our culture. I’m so glad you are addressing it.
I found this point interesting > “Every limiting emotion that is not due to a chemical imbalance is due to feelings of insecurity.” I wonder how you differentiate between what emotions cause a chemical imbalance and which ones don’t. And then the chemical balance seems to perpetuate the emotion so it’s a never ending cycle.
Your confidence is so inspiring.
Hi Sandra, what a great question. The other side of that is the fact that strong emotions like insecurity actually create biochemical changes, including chemical imbalances. So yes, that never ending cycle actually goes full circle. The good news is that adjusting the emotion can help restore the biochemical systems unless there is a malfunction in the system.
Hi Jonathan,
Self Belief and the Beliefs that we hold determine our reality. Many of our “Beliefs” are outdated & need to be brought up to speed. Your earlier point about “praise” is a great one. A simple ‘well done’ or words to that effect make a world of difference.
Thank you & be good to yourself
David
Hi David, so many times we are holding onto beliefs that no longer serve us. I have found that those old belief systems and the established response patterns they support are usually outside a persons conscious awareness. Exposing those stealthy little critters is one of the most enjoyable things about being a coach. I am sure you can relate.
It’s true for a lot of cases Jonathan, praise is hard to come by in some situations.
People refuse to give out praise for a number of reasons – they may think it’s not ‘normal’ to give out praise, they may think the other person will take advantage of them if they give out praise, they may struggle with giving praise because they didn’t receive any praise themselves.
If more people gave praise, more people would receive praise, then more people would feel uplifted. Doesn’t sound like a bad thing
Hi Stuart, kind words of encouragement and acknowledgment are usually very appreciated and so easy to give. It’s a habit that we all do well to develop.
I’m happy to know that Angela/Angelina was able to overcome the insecurity issues brought on by her upbringing. When we feel unsafe, unsure, unprotected- we behave in ways that make life much more difficult than it has to be. It seems that nearly every “bad” thing that happens is somehow related to insecurity- giving up, lying, stealing, cheating, being violent. So much of that can be turned around by simply learning to trust that everything will work itself out.
Hi Nea, you are a beautiful person and a source of encouragement for so many. Thanks for sharing those thoughts!
This is awesome Jonathan. In answer to your question about knowing anyone like that, I see them every time I look in the mirror. I grew up with a very similar story in my own life. Lucky for my, I found help, although it was only a couple of years ago, and I am still working through years of baggage.
One thing I have found is that part of the cause of all those insecurities is the broken records of everyone who were harsh and critical back then. One way that I have found to help break those broken records is to confront them. I did mine by writing a letter to the people who used to tell me all those bad things, telling them how they hurt me, how I felt then, how I felt now, and how I would choose to respond to them.
Once I started doing that, I was able to erase the broken records and replace them with more positive affirmations of self praise and acceptance.
James Pruitt recently posted..The Fear of Failure Destroys Your Self-Esteem
Hi James, I am working with a coaching client right now who spent most of her life being put down by those closest to her. I am happy to say that she is making some awesome progress and it is so wonderful to see. There really is no excuse for such thoughtlessness. Thankfully, we can get past almost anything if we take the time to learn the skills we were never taught, or fortunate enough to get help from someone who understands those skills. It so so rewarding to help guide someone out of that dark place into a world of amazing opportunity. It’s the real joy of coaching.