How does a relationship that started out like a fairytale romance end up being a source of confusion and unhappiness? Is there anything you can do to safeguard that special bond that initially attracted you to one another? What is the quickest way to turn things around and rekindle those special feelings if they seem to be evaporating?

These are just a few of the questions commonly asked by concerned couples feeling the squeeze of increasing stress on their relationship. Have you ever struggled with these or similar issues?

Let’s look at a few reasons why a good relationship can become challenging and what you can do to prevent, or even reverse, such a trend. Considering three specific aspects of our personal perception can help us to see the big picture and make any adjustments that might seem appropriate.

The role of focus, filters and priorities

How we view our world and the people in it has everything to do with our perception. Regardless of how objective we might think we are, our personal version of reality is heavily influenced by what we focus on, how we filter that information, and the way we set our priorities.

Not only will the settings of these three factors determine our perception, they will also determine how we respond to the world around us. This is especially evident in the way we interact in our closest relationships.  Those closest to us are always the ones who see our true colors.

Adjusting your settings for relationship joy

By making adjustments in our focus, filters and priorities we can literally transform what we bring into a relationship and what we receive from it. So, let’s work with these three components of perception and see how we can tweak them for a richer and more meaningful relationship experience.

1. Adjusting your focus. Remember what you used to focus on when your relationship was new? Remember how much joy that brought you? That’s because focus is the most powerful way to adjust our impression of reality. When your relationship was new you made it a habit to focus on all of your partner’s amazing qualities. No matter what else was going on in your life, being together was so wonderful that you always looked forward to it with eager anticipation and you never allowed the cares of life to dampen your time together.

How about now? Are you still focused on those amazing qualities or has your attention drifted to their faults and shortcomings? When you are together do they still get your undivided attention and admiration or has the stress of life overshadowed the way the two of you interact? See the difference focus makes? So, what can you do about it?

Solution. Make a conscious and consistent effort to recapture the same kind of focus that got your relationship rolling in the first place. Turn your attention to those amazing qualities and away from anything that doesn’t feed your sense of joy and appreciation. If you focus on the positive your perception of, and your response to, your partner will shift. In turn, they will respond to you accordingly. Relationships are based on cause and effect. If you change the cause the effect will change also.

2. Adjusting your filters. When you first got to know each other, did you find your partners little idiosyncrasies irritating or entertaining? Did you see their unique personality traits as refreshing or strange and in desperate need of refinement? Your view of your partner has always been up to you. You are the one who chooses which filters to look through.

If you are looking through a critical or judgmental filter you will see things that you don’t appreciate. If you are looking through a happy, grateful filter you will readily notice more and more reasons to find delight in your partner’s unique attributes. Your attitude is your filter and a positive attitude based on love and appreciation can filter out many of the little annoyances that might rob you of the joy you both deserve.

Solution. Stick with the filters that you used when your relationship was the most positive part of your life. When you combine a positive focus with a positive attitude it starts a chain reaction that can bring a great sense of joy and satisfaction into your relationship. No matter what happens in other areas of your life, always do your best to greet your mate with a loving, positive, appreciative attitude.

3. Adjusting your priorities. When your relationship was in full bloom, where was it positioned on your list of priorities? Where is it now? Is it still at the top of the list or have other things been getting top billing lately? When I talk about priorities I am not referring to how your time is divided. I am talking about what is most important to you. Most of us spend more time working than we do interacting with our partner, but which one owns your heart? That’s what defines your priorities.

If our relationship is our top priority we will make time for it and won’t allow the other concerns of life to squeeze the life out of it. And we won’t do this solely out of a sense of responsibility; we’ll do it because we want to. We’ll do it because our relationship means more to us than anything else and because that is where our heart is.

Solution. Take the time to evaluate your true priorities in life and see if your lifestyle supports your relationships position at the top. Don’t make excuses or deceive yourself while evaluating your situation because that could prove very costly. If you are not sure, ask your mate, but don’t get upset if you don’t like their answer. Next, make any needed adjustments to establish your relationship as your number one priority. When both partners know that the relationship comes first it does amazing things to the way they interact with each other. Isn’t that what you both want?

Go make it happen!

Use these three keys to unlock and maintain the joy that comes from a truly meaningful and satisfying relationship. Granted, you can’t control how your partner acts, but you can give them every reason to respond to your efforts in a way that empowers you both and brings a lot of joy into your world.

How do you keep the joy alive in your relationship?
What keys would you add to these three?
The lines are open!

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Many relationships are under tremendous stress these days. If that is true for you and you want to turn it around, take a moment to consider this solution.

Everybody wants a meaningful and lasting relationship. So, why does there seem to be such a scarcity of great relationships these days? Is there some way that we could be better prepared before we take a big relationship plunge?

While relationships have any number of complexities, I believe that what we bring into a relationship emotionally is crucial to the success of that relationship. Too many people make a commitment to another person without being emotionally aligned with the reality of that commitment. They are still thinking like an individual instead of a couple.

When one becomes two it’s time for an upgrade

When we decide to settle down in a relationship, we need to change the way we think.  We need a different kind of internal program if we want to enjoy all the benefits of a lasting relationship. When we are single, it’s easy to be centered on ourselves because we live in a simpler, more singular world.  Function on that singular level is not very complicated.

To be part of a lasting relationship, we need to expand our thinking because life gets a bit more complicated and requires a program with greater capacity. That means it’s time for an upgrade. To succeed in a lasting relationship, we need to reprogram the way we think about life. If we do it right then life gets better, more meaningful and rewarding.

Out with the old, in with the new

Anytime we raise the bar of expectations in any area of our lives, we need to upgrade our internal programming.  Those who choose to stubbornly stick to their old way of thinking can’t experience meaningful growth.

If we want to accomplish something extraordinary, like a truly successful relationship, the place to start is internally.  Our old program got us where we are, and that was what it was designed to do.  But now we are ready to move on, to grow and expand our world and reach out for more.

Know what you want

When a computer programmer decides to create a new program he always has a reason, an objective.  Programs are designed for very specific purposes.  If the programmer doesn’t understand what he is trying to accomplish, how can he design the right program? Likewise, before we can change our thinking, we need to have a clear understanding of what we intend to accomplish, and why.

Let’s go back to our single person who wants to build a lasting relationship.  For the sake of discussion, let’s just say he’s a single guy who has enjoyed living on his own for the past five years. Now he’s met someone really special and as the relationship grows he wants to take it to the next level.

The shift

Now his internal focus has shifted to include another person and his mental reference point has changed from me to we. At this point his life needs to be played by a completely different set of rules because he has a whole new point of reference.

Including another person in your life means changing the way you think about everything.  It’s your life times two and then some, which means it’s at least twice as complicated.  We won’t even talk about what happens when you bring children to the mix. So why do it?  Why purposely complicate your life? Because you know that it has the potential to be at least twice as rewarding and enjoyable. You know it and you want it.

A lasting relationship needs a serious commitment

Here’s a chapter from my own life. I didn’t get married until I was in my thirties, and the reason for that is – I only wanted to do it once and I wanted to make sure that I did it right.  My dad had drilled it into my head as a kid, “don’t make promises you can’t keep.”  I knew that marriage would be one of the most serious promises I would ever make, and I wanted to be sure that I could keep my word.

So I waited.  I waited until I met somebody I knew I could not live without.  Obviously, I wanted it to work.  Realizing that there are certain things that can quietly undermine a marriage, I wanted to make sure that these things were handled before I made a major commitment to a lasting relationship.

Leave the baggage behind

One of the subtleties that will unravel the fabric of a relationship is when someone carries a fantasy about a past flame. I’d seen it happen to other marriages, and I wasn’t about to let it happen to mine.  So I did a little self-examination to see if I was harboring any fantasies of this sort.  I made sure that each memory of past relationships included complete closure.

For a single person, perhaps such fantasies aren’t considered harmful.  But they can spell disaster for a marriage because every time there’s a disagreement you can escape into the fantasy of “what if.”  This may seem like a small change and obviously there were other that needed to be made as well.  But 27 years later, here I am, still married to the same, wonderful woman.

Channel your emotional power

So, why was I motivated to do this self-examination and to root out any little problems that I found?  Because my emotions were fully engaged and I was highly motivated to make whatever changes were necessary.  I knew that I wanted to build a lasting relationship and I wasn’t about to let anything stand in my way.

In this crazy world, a meaningful and lasting relationship is a truly extraordinary thing.  If that’s the kind of relationship that you want, then you need to be willing to upgrade the thinking that drives your behavior. You need to program yourself for a lasting relationship.

How well is your internal relationship program serving you?
What do you think is the most important quality of a lasting relationship?
The lines are open!

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Many relationships are under tremendous stress these days. If that is true for you and you want to turn it around, take a moment to consider this solution.

Stress has an insidious way of undermining every aspect of our health and happiness. Nowhere is this more obvious then in our closest and most valued relationships. Have the anxieties and pressures of daily life or a constricting economy begun to seep into your home life?

When we are stressed out, we need to feel that our home is a safe haven where we can find relief and comfort. A happy relationship can make all the difference during challenging times. Sadly, more and more couples are experiencing the divisive influence of outside stress in their relationship with their mate.

Growing closer while facing challenges

Are there steps we can take to protect the happiness of our relationship during trying times? When the pressure rises, is there some way for couples to actually draw closer rather than allowing their relationship to be torn apart?

Handled correctly, challenging experiences can actually bring couples closer together. This is not to say that they will be immune to the stress. What it means is that working together and facing their challenges as a unified partnership can deepen their bond and add new depth to their relationship.

11 ways to decrease relationship stress

1. Avoid making negative assumptions. If something happens that you have no control over, don’t make things worse by assuming the worst. If someone loses their job it doesn’t help to conclude that you will also lose your home and everything you have worked for. Instead of focusing on the negative possibilities, sit down with your mate and discuss possible solutions. If you work together in a creative way you may be able to turn this challenge into an opportunity. This is the time to let your partnership shine.

2. Don’t be critical or assign blame. The blame game is very destructive to a relationship and it never contributes to unity. The goal here is to draw closer as a couple, not to alienate your best friend and life partner. The same goes for being critical of one another, all that will do is divide the relationship. Let’s face it, sometimes bad things happen, that’s just the way life is. Looking at each challenge as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship bond will help you avoid the temptation to blame your mate.

3. Acknowledge your partner’s concerns. If something goes wrong and we feel responsible, it is easy to turn defensive when our partner expresses their concerns. Rather that turning it into a confrontation by defending ourselves, we need to put our egos aside and acknowledge their concerns with an understanding heart. If we are truly partners then we are in it together. That means we probably have similar concerns that we need to work on in a spirit of cooperation.

4. Respond rather than react. The difference between a response and a reaction has to do with the amount and type of emotion that’s involved. When we just react to bad news it is very likely that our reaction will also include a negative emotional component. If we choose to respond rather than react, our knee jerk reaction will be softened by our desire to maintain peace and unity in our relationship. A response allows room for more positive emotions like compassion and understanding.

5. Honor each other’s feelings. The way men and women respond to stress is often very different. To the man, it might seem like she is attaching too much emotional significance to the situation. To the woman, it might seem like he is just blowing it off or ignoring the problem. Recognizing that we all express our concerns in different ways makes it easier to honor the feelings and expressions of our mate. The fact that we express our feelings differently does not mean that one person’s way is more valid than their mate’s, it’s just different.

6. Identify the real source of the stress. If we are feeling stress in our relationship, we need to figure out where it is coming from. If the source of the stress is external (outside the relationship), don’t treat it like a relationship problem. See it for what it is! Statistically, money issues account for more relationship problems than any other source. But in reality, money is a financial problem. It only becomes a relationship problem if you let it. Working together as partners is a much more effective way to solve money problems than fighting about it.

7. Treat your mate with respect. There is an old saying that familiarity breeds contempt. How sad is that? Unfortunately, we tend to be less resourceful when we are under stress. The last thing we want to do under those conditions is be disrespectful to the person we share our life with. In reality, it’s not familiarity that breeds contempt; it’s a lack of respect and consideration. You can promote unity and decrease relationship stress by always maintaining a high level of respect for your partner, regardless of the challenges you face.

8. Seek opportunities to encourage each other. How do you feel when your partner expresses confidence in you? It’s encouraging, isn’t it? And this is especially true during those challenging times when you may be experiencing feelings of self-doubt. Nothing lifts us up and restores our confidence like the encouragement of our special someone. Mutual encouragement is one of the most powerful anti-stress tools your relationship has, be sure to make good use of it. Instead of waiting for stressful situations to present themselves, why not seek every opportunity to be encouraging.

9. Differentiate between the relationship and the problem. It is vital to always recognize the difference between the actual relationship and the problems and challenges you face. The love you feel for one another needs to be protected from the problems you encounter. Confusing the two is relationship suicide. To do this we need to work at confining our response to stress so it doesn’t poison our feeling about our mate.

10. Reaffirm your partnership often. It is important to remind yourself that you are allies in every struggle and challenge. Remind each other that you are there for your mate no matter what. If you make a mistake, being quick to apologize demonstrates your commitment to the partnership. Being forgiving has a similar effect. Regularly letting your partner sense how much you value the relationship will help clear away any doubts caused by trying situations.

11. Get help if you need it. When things get confusing, don’t be too proud or stubborn to seek qualified help. Sometimes we are so close to a situation that we lose our objectivity. An impartial third party like a relationship coach can often see things much more clearly and provide valuable insight at just the right time. If we truly value our closest relationship then we should be willing to do whatever it takes to strengthen those special bonds of love and unity.

Have you experienced an increase in relationship stress?
How do you keep your relationship strong when faced with challenges?
The lines are open!

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Many relationships are under tremendous stress these days. If that is true for you and you want to turn it around, take a moment to consider this solution.

Everyone wants to be trusted and this is especially true in a close, personal relationship. But being viewed as trustworthy is not something that just happens by accident.  Trust is something that you must build into a relationship and then it needs to be valued and maintained.

Many couples are struggling with trust issues these days even when there is no tangible reason for mistrust. This is because trust involves a whole array of complex feelings like faith, belief, hope, conviction, confidence, expectation, dependence, and reliance. In other words, it is a huge emotional investment which, if abused, can increase you vulnerability to a lot of pain and heartache.

Why is trust so important in a relationship?

Our sense of security in a relationship is based on a foundation of mutual trust. In a mutually trusting environment we are free to be ourselves without feeling any need to guard our heart from possible treachery. This creates a perfect setting for complete unity and cooperation. When we feel safe and secure there is absolutely no need to hide our true feelings or raise our defenses. The walls come down and love expands.

On the other end of the spectrum, a lack of trust is akin to insecurity and vulnerability. In a relationship, there is nothing more corrosive then suspicion and distrust. It’s like a cancer that can easily grow out of control and consume the life and love right out of your once happy situation. How can you avoid slipping into this downward spiral?

Infuse trust into the fabric of your relationship

As you can imagine, creating a mutually trusting relationship environment involves more than just avoiding obvious trust violations. Reassuring daily habits along with dependability and consistency all play a big roll. And while the dynamic of each couple is unique, there are still certain universal ground rules that aid in building trustworthiness into most relationships. Here are some of my favorites.

7 ways to build trust into your relationship

1. Get fully invested. How committed are you to this relationship? Are you willing to lay it all on the line without holding anything back? Yes, that will make you vulnerable, but it will also make you trustworthy. That’s why marriage involves a binding contract; it’s a declaration of trustworthiness. Nothing builds trust like a total commitment.

2. Act in harmony with your words. Make sure that your actions support you words without any need for excesses. Most communication is nonverbal, so if your mouth says “trust me” but your wandering eye says “I’m not trustworthy” then you will have trust issues. If you want to flirt with, wink at, or in any way come on to someone, that’s fine. Just make sure that the object of your attention and affection is you mate and no one else.

3. Don’t keep secrets. If you can’t trust your partner with your most intimate thoughts and feelings, then why should they trust you with theirs? The goal of every meaningful relationship should be to build mutual trustworthiness, not lay the basis for a double standard. Secrets create suspicion and mistrust. They tell your partner that there are limits to your relationship. (Obviously, this doesn’t mean that your mate needs to know every embarrassing detail about your past or that you should violate the confidence of a close friend).

4. Be tactfully honest. When you are honest with your partner it shows that you respect them and being tactful shows that you also love them. Being brutally honest lacks consideration for the other person’s feelings and can be downright cruel. Your mate needs to feel that they can trust you to tell them the truth without crushing their feelings. In the rare case when telling them the truth would spoil a surprise, simply promise to explain everything very soon.

5. Be reliable. Reliability is closely linked to trustworthiness, so make every effort to do what you say you will do. If something comes up and you can’t follow through, call and explain what happened so no one is left hanging.  We all have certain responsibilities in a relationship and it is natural to count on each other in those areas. No relationship flourishes when one partner is considered unreliable so take your commitments seriously if your want to be thought of as trustworthy.

6. Express confidence in your mate. How do you feel when someone has confidence in you? When we are entrusted with someone else’s feelings and they express confidence in us as a person, it makes us want to do the right thing. It means that they feel that we are trustworthy and that they can rely on us. When you express confidence in your mate they feel valued and empowered.

7. Acknowledge your partner’s thoughts and feelings. There will be times when we don’t understand why our partner thinks or feels the way they do. Guess what? There will also be times when our thoughts and feelings don’t make sense to them. We are different and that is a beautiful thing. The important thing here is that we don’t inadvertently say something that invalidates their point of view. Instead, listen and do your best to try and see where they are coming from. By acknowledging their thoughts and feelings in this way they know that they can trust you to respect their individuality.

Mutual trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship

Remember, exceptional relationships don’t happen by accident, they take work. For some, the price might seem too high, so they settle for mediocrity. On the other hand, exceptional is for those who want the very best relationship experience and are willing to work for it. If that’s how you feel that don’t leave things to chance. Make it your goal to continue building trust into your relationship.

How would you rate the level of trust in your closest relationship?
What steps do you take to build trust into the relationship?
Do you have any trust issues?
The Lines are open!

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Many relationships are under tremendous stress these days. If that is true for you and you want to turn it around, take a moment to consider this solution.

Relationships are under a lot of pressure these days and I want to help. There are certain basic guidelines that can benefit any two people trying to build a truly meaningful relationship. Here are 10 of my favorite timeless guidelines for a happy relationship.

1. Listen with your ears and your heart. It is extremely important to listen to your partner when they try to communicate with you. Communication is the life blood of a good relationship. Giving them your undivided attention is a sign of deep respect, but don’t just hear them with your ears, make sure that your heart is listening also.  Instead of nitpicking over their choice of words try to hear the real meaning behind their words. If they want to talk when you are in the middle of something important, unless it’s an emergency, suggest a time when you’ll be able to pay closer attention.

2. Never, ever keep score. Don’t walk around with a watchful eye making sure your partner carries their share of the workload. Instead, take the view that it doesn’t matter if you end up doing more than half of what has to be done. There is absolutely no benefit to trying to make sure that everything in your relationship is divided fifty-fifty. Do what you can reasonably do and avoid making comparisons. Unless your spouse is very lazy or refuses to take responsibility in general, don’t keep track of who does more and who does less.

3. Don’t criticize in public. Being criticized can be tough to take under the best of conditions, but especially in front of other people. All it does is humiliate your partner and raise their defenses. When you embarrass your mate in public it weakens the bonds of intimacy in your relationship. The same principle applies if you have children. Criticizing your partner in the presence of your children undermines their authority with the kids and can cause them to develop an attitude of disrespect. This is especially true if your mate is a stepparent.

4. Don’t fight about money. Money is a highly emotionally charged subject, especially when couples are feeling a financial squeeze. Disagreements about money have always been among the most common causes of relationship conflicts and this trend has escalated dramatically since the economic downturn. Money problems can cause tremendous stress which seems to form a catalyst for frustration based agitation. When money is tight it’s vital to seek a solution together as a couple. If you lean on each other your relationship will actually get stronger during tough times.

5. Eliminate “always” and “never” from your vocabulary. When your mate does something wrong, exaggerating the offense will only make things worse. Nobody likes to be told that they always make the same mistake or that they never do what they should have done. It may seem like that is the case when you are upset, but how do you feel when someone lays the same accusation on you? Thinking in exaggerated terms is nothing more than a bad habit that only agitates a situation and undermines your relationship. Try replacing words like always and never with more realistic, less accusatory terms like often or sometimes. You will feel much less angry inside.

6. Build trust into your relationship. Trust doesn’t happen by accident, it’s up to you to earn it. This may take some effort if your partner has been betrayed in the past and still carries the emotional scars. If you want to be trusted then avoid behavior that creates distrust. Be mindful not to get too close with or flirt with members of the opposite sex. Even if your motives start out innocent, in reality you are just inviting problems into your relationship. Your partner may start to feel threatened or you might begin to view that other person as an alternative in the event that your relationship doesn’t work out. Be resolved to do all you can reasonably do to give your partner every reason to trust you completely.

7. Only make favorable comparisons. This is something that you need to be very careful with because making comparisons can be a two edged sword. Being compared with some exceptional person in a positive way can really brighten your partner’s day. On the other hand, making an unfavorable comparison is something you never want to do because it will cause your partner to feel either inadequate or jealous. And whatever you do don’t compare them to your ex. In fact, don’t even talk about past relationships. It is much better to just leave the past in the past and focus on the present.

8. Work at fulfilling your mate’s emotional needs. When a person’s most important emotional needs are met, they feel content and fulfilled. Conversely, when a person’s most important emotional needs are not being met, they feel empty, lonely, unfulfilled, or frustrated. Granted, every person has the responsibility to try and meet their own needs, but you can help.  Making a concerted effort to help fulfill the most important emotional needs of your mate will go a long way toward building a happy relationship. As you work to discover and help fill the needs of your partner you will find that your own needs are also being met. This is truly a win for everyone involved.

9. Be ready to forgive. We all make mistakes and when we do we appreciate it when the people we care about give us the benefit of the doubt. Well, this is a two way street and we should be willing to forgive when the opportunity arises. It’s been said that a great relationship is made up of two good forgivers. One of the ways we can show a forgiving attitude is by not holding unrealistic expectations. This takes into account the fact that no one is perfect and sets the stage for built in forgiveness. Anything that fosters feelings of togetherness helps build your relationship and that is exactly what a forgiving attitude does.

10. Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Any relationship worth building up and strengthening is something to be deeply grateful for. After all, you could be alone! Having an attitude of gratitude means that your partner will know that you appreciate them. Your appreciation will be obvious in your words and actions, and they will never need to question your feelings in this. Gratitude is like a big giant security blanket that will transform the overall feel of your relationship. Being thankful for your mate every single day is one of the most empowering things you can do to build a truly exceptional relationship.

What guidelines would you add to this list?
Is your relationship experiencing stress?
The lines are open!

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Many relationships are under tremendous stress these days. If that is true for you and you want to turn it around, take a moment to consider this solution.

Scorpions are nasty little critters. They can slip through the smallest of cracks and have lightning fast stingers. The sting of most scorpions is not deadly, but the poison they inject is extremely painful and can cause a number of complications.

When we think of scorpions we usually associate them with dry, desert type terrain. Would it surprise you to learn that these creepy crawlies also abound in the forests of the Pacific Northwest? Well they do and from time to time they even show up inside the house. Trust me, seeing a scorpion walk across your living room carpet is not a comfortable feeling.

Emotional scorpions can poison our attitude

Negative talk and conversations that lean in a negative direction are like poison to us emotionally.  Negativity can easily slip through the cracks when our guard is down and seep into our consciousness. Then that insidious verbal poison goes to work changing the direction of our thoughts.

I’m not sure why, but when we get around conversations that are harsh or judgmental it can pull us in like quicksand. Before we even realize it, we can find ourselves saying and feeling things that are completely contrary to our generally positive nature.

Limit exposure to corrupting influences

If we want to maintain a happy, positive, and grateful attitude, it is absolutely vital that we avoid exposing ourselves to emotionally poisonous influences. If you picture negative speech as a verbal scorpion, what will you do when someone tries to hand it to you?  You are going to avoid it like the plague, right? You’ll refuse to have anything to do with it. In fact, you will automatically move in the opposite direction to protect yourself.

I invite you to anchor this image of negative talk as a poisonous verbal scorpion.  Train your reflexes to avoid it like the dangerous, corrupting influence that it is. Doing so will make it much easier to focus on things that are positive and emotionally healthy. You will find it much easier to maintain a positive frame of mind and a positive, optimistic tone in your speech.

Choose your influencers carefully

It’s an undeniable fact that we are all susceptible to the influence of those around us, both positive and negative.  Why not use that knowledge in a beneficial way by putting ourselves in the company of those whose primary focus is positive and encouraging?

Have you ever met somebody who never has a bad word to say about anyone?  How do you feel about that person, do you like being around them?  Not only is it refreshing, it is also contagious. It rubs off on us!

On the other hand, have you ever been around people who like to put down others and constantly focus on negative things? The next thing you know, you find yourself right in the middle of their conversation. Later on, you look back on the whole experience and wonder how you let yourself slip into that.

Cultivate friendships with positive people

In a world with an abundance of negative noise, we all need to take steps to protect ourselves emotionally. Avoiding the negative influences can go a long way toward maintaining a positive attitude. Being in the company of those who have a positive outlook also helps us to recognize our own blessings and to appreciate them even more.

Don’t keep company with people who dwell on negative things, don’t let them hand you a verbal scorpion. If you make it a point to associate with those who are positive and upbuilding, you’ll find that your whole world takes on a completely different feeling.

Good association builds positive attitudes

It’s really a matter of training. If you can train yourself to view negative talk as verbal poison then your instant reaction will be to move away from it, and to avoid it. I’m not just talking about live speech here. This also applies to entertainment including the music you listen to, television programs you watch, and the movies you see.

All of these things should be considered association. It’s all input and your mind doesn’t know the difference between a conversation on the television and a conversation with a live person.

There is incredible power in association and we can benefit ourselves by making wise choices in this area. It is extremely important that we avoid exposing ourselves to those who have a negative bent and who use their speech in a defamatory or judgmental way. Hang around with people who are happy, positive upbeat and grateful and you’ll find yourself cultivating those same empowering qualities.

Are you thinking about the people you associate with?
Have you ever been pulled into a negative conversation?
Do you have friends that help you maintain a positive outlook?
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Here’s a short quiz:
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the —-world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy —-winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss —-America pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel —-or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award —-winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade’s worth of World —-Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remembers the headliners of yesterday.

These are not second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school or life.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Was that easier?

The lesson: The people who make the biggest difference in our lives are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money or the most awards.

They are simply the ones that care the most.

These are the relationships to be grateful for. Thinking about this helps us to keep our relationship priorities in the right place. Forget about the rich and famous news-makers and concentrate on the people who matter.

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Let’s talk about the simple act of giving without wanting anything in return. Many of us are unconsciously so self-centered that everything we do, even within our closest relationships, is actually bartering rather than unselfish giving. This can be true even when we are dealing with ourselves as I pointed out in an article called What Do You Think You Deserve?

We all realize that giving on any level feels really good, but internally all forms of giving are not equal.  When we give with the expectation of receiving something in return, we are not really letting go of what we are giving. If we do not let go completely, then we are still clinging to whatever we gave.

The scarcity mindset

When you give without expecting something in return you actually open yourself to a completely different experience. You become part of this giant feedback loop in which we are all participants. In reality, there is no scarcity, just unequal distribution. Hoarding and clinging are very limiting and they are two of the primary reasons for the perception of scarcity.

When you give freely without expectation, it can come back to you in some very unpredictable ways. But remember, if you are giving simply to get something back, then you put limits on the ways that you can receive. You cannot be giving without expectation and be hoarding at the same time.

Some benefits of unselfish giving

Here are some ways that unselfish giving can have a beneficial effect on you.

1. Giving feels satisfying. When you give without wanting anything in return it opens up your heart to an enhanced sense of peace, love and joy.

2. Giving stimulates gratitude.  Giving without expectation will elevate your personal awareness of others. As a result, you will feel increasing levels of compassion and gratitude.

3. Giving attracts giving. What we put into the world has a powerful influence on what we receive. This is part of that giant feedback loop I mentioned.  The energy of giving has a very positive influence on how you experience your world.

4. Giving makes you aware of limiting beliefs. When limiting beliefs like selfishness and greed become exposed to your conscious awareness, then you can work on letting them go. If you are unaware of their existence, they remain active in your subconscious. If they continue unchecked, you may wind up attracting the exact opposite of what you intended.

Embrace unselfish giving

On some level it seems that we are all susceptible to the idea of scarcity. Having a scarcity mindset is like going through life trying to fill up a bag with a hole in the bottom. Hoarding creates scarcity because it is based on the perception that everything is limited and it ignores the amazing benefits of contribution.

One of the best ways to say no to the mentality of scarcity is to actively seek out ways to make meaningful and unselfish contributions of your time, energy, and other resources. I encourage you to embrace a more empowering mindset and be determined to give without expectation.

How does giving without expectation feel to you?
Do you find it difficult to let go of expecting something in return?
The lines are open!

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