One of the most common mistakes we can make in dealing with others is to assume that they share the same view of reality as we do. The truth is we all represent our experiences, real or imagined, according to our own specialized vantage point.
We could go through the same exact experience with ten other people and each person would have their own version of what happened. Does that mean that we are the only one who sees things accurately and realistically? Hardly!
We are all looking out of a different window
There simply is no “one size fits all” view of reality. Because of our highly individualized way of translating and interpreting our experiences on an emotional level, the very same events can have a completely unique meaning for each individual. We all see things from a unique vantage point, as if we were looking at life through our own little window.
We all have different backgrounds, sensitivities, learned behaviors, emotional trigger points, preferences, knowledge, coping skills, and anchors. On an emotional level we are as unique as our fingerprint.
Should others see reality our way?
When we judge the way others react to the events or challenges they face in life, we are really inferring that they should be more like we are. That they would be better off if they thought and acted the way we think we would in their situation.
Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it. After all, how could they possibly do that? And yet, if we find ourselves asking “why did they do that, or why didn’t they do this,” isn’t that what we are implying? Aren’t we really saying “why didn’t they do it my way?” And doesn’t that mean that we think our way is better?
Even if we honestly believe that they truly would be better off, it’s important to remember – that is just our opinion based on what we think we know.
We are all in the same boat
Personal growth in this area involves recognizing that other people are doing the best they can with the resources they have at any given moment – just like we are. We are all in the same boat, different accommodations perhaps, but that’s a pretty insignificant difference in the bigger picture.
Judging others is an ego thing. Ultimately, it stems from thinking too much of our own abilities and not giving other people credit for theirs.
On the other hand, love and compassion will move us to want to help others instead of judge them. Personal development involves caring about other people. As we grow our world needs to expand beyond “self.” Selfishness and self-centeredness shrink our universe and create a tiny little reality. We are all in the same world at the same time and we should be concerned for the welfare of those around us.
Express gratitude and feel good about yourself
There are lots of things we can do on a daily basis to expand our vantage point. Why not spend the next few days deliberately looking for opportunities to do nice things for others. Little expressions of consideration and kindness have a big impact on our perception of life.
It’s easy to hold the door open for a stranger. It is fun to look each person you pass in the eyes and give them a sincere smile. A simple way to express gratitude is to say thank you often and mean it. Common decency is getting less common and it is having a negative influence on people’s sense of happiness. We can bring it back!
Happiness is a byproduct
Many people have failed to realize that happiness is not something you get from being selfish. It’s also not something that can be pursued directly like an acquisition of some kind. Happiness is actually a byproduct of serving others. It is something that comes to us as a result of something else.
This is an easy point to prove. All you need to do is spend some time over the next few days doing random and unprovoked acts of kindness for others (without selfish motive) and see how happy it makes you.
What makes you happy?
Do you struggle with being judgmental?
The lines are open!
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Hi Jonathan,
I couldn’t agree more that happiness is a very personal thing and that we need to experience it more in our lives. One of the things I did was to sit down and really think about what makes me happy and how I could do more of those things. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the day-to-day stuff and forget the last time you felt happiness – being reflective about this can certainly help.
Karen
Karen recently posted..100 Things That Make Me Happy
Hi Karen, the personal aspect of happiness is an important one. To some degree I think we are all programed to accept external definitions of happiness rather than looking inwardly to discover what pushes our personal happiness button.
Moments when I was judgmental toward other people were the worst moments in my life! There is no growth and satisfaction in that.
Even many twins does not have same beliefs and attitudes even though they spent much of life together…
Love and compassion means to accept that others are only human beings. With all their imperfections, choices and moments.
People are not good or bad. People just are. We choose whether we will learn from it or torture us about it.
Marko — Calm Growth recently posted..What We Can Learn From Bodybuilders- Artists and Flowers
Some nice points Marko: 1) “no growth and satisfaction in being judgmental.” 2) “People just are. We choose whether we will learn from it or torture us about it.” There is always a choice, isn’t there!
I conceive that there is a fine line in being selfish and self-centered, and they are unequal. If we set out to be happy we are selfish and the same applies doing nice things for another person. We are giving to whatever degree, we give to ourselves.
“It’s easy to hold the door open for a stranger. It is fun to look each person you pass in the eyes and give them a sincere smile.”
Selfish is giving and self-centered is taking, and inconsiderate. Does this make sense?
Sandra Hendricks recently posted..How do you define the difference in living and existing
Hi Sandra, that’s an interesting analogy. I think that much depends on the motive. Some people build hospital wings so they can have it named after themselves with a nice plaque out front. For them it is all about appearances. Others do it because they really and sincerely want to help the community. Same action, same result, completely different motive.
I agree that our motives and expectations have a lot to do with our actions. It is difficult in my mind though, to claim that I do anything solely for another. I mean anything we do we do it because we want to. Just as building a wing to impress our name upon a wall is self-centered, so is smiling at another in hopes of a good result. I think we must be sincere even when we smile at another person for it to mean anything. Sincerity is the difference in selfish and self-centered, maybe.
Hi Sandra, I have been thinking about your comment off and on for the last 24 hours. I feel that I am somehow not quite syncing with your definition of selfishness, although we both see sincerity as a defining factor.
My dictionary defines selfish as: self-centered, self-seeking, self-interested, egotistical, egotistic, egocentric, egoistic, self-regarding, or greedy. It says that the opposite of selfish is selfless and defines it as: unselfish, self-sacrificing, altruistic, noble, or generous.
Clearly, no person or action is 100% one way or the other. Everything is in degrees. I just can’t agree with the concept that smiling at someone because I want to is the same as having a selfish motive. In my mind a smile is a simple way of spreading positive energy without expecting anything in return, so how can it be selfish? It’s nice when someone smiles back, but that’s a totally separate perk, not a motive.
I have a feeling that we are actually using different language to describe very similar viewpoints. Since the dictionary defines selfish and self-centered as the same thing, perhaps you could find a substitute word that would make your point a bit easier to grasp.
Thanks for the input Jonathan. I believe we are on the same page. It is just that being selfish is not always a bad thing.
To me, it seems impossible to think of or do for another without it being for yourself (selfish). I wonder if there is anything as a selfless act. Even jumping in and saving a life is for us as much as the other person, do you agree.
“In my mind a smile is a simple way of spreading positive energy without expecting anything in return, so how can it be selfish?”
You do it for yourself – for how you feel just as much as the other person. No motive, no expectations…it makes you feel good to spread the positive energy.
Okay, I am dialing into your point much better now. Is any thing really a selfless act? What an interesting question. I think it is easy to want to answer yes to that, but now you’ve got me taking a closer look (good job Sandra).
So, what about when a person willing suffers loss for the good of someone else. For example, if I lose my life saving the life of a loved one, did I do that to make myself feel good , or was it a selfless act of giving?
I ordinarily don’t answer a question with a question, but here goes. Why would someone hurl themselves in front of a bus to rescue another? Maybe they cannot live with themselves if they witness this event. Conceivably, they cannot bear to see it happen.
The thing is Jonathan being 100% selfish in my mind is what causes us to be 100% giving. I think to whatever degree, we are selfish we are giving. If I bring my grandson home for a visit, it is for me, but he benefits. Your website is similar to the sentence above, as well as mine.
We cannot possibly consciously process such a courageous act, but does that mean it is selfless. If it involves you how can it be self-less? The more that we understand this concept the more we can feel good about what we do for other people because of us.
I wrote a little concerning the idea of 100 percent selfish here: http://gg.thisshouldhelp.net/?p=2164
This is an extremely interesting concept to me Sandra. It is pretty rare when someone gets me thinking down a path that is totally new to me, but that’s what you have done. Initially it was hard to see selfishness and giving as allies rather than polar opposites. I hope you write more about this! Thanks.
Jonathan,
What a profound truth ~ we all see with different eyes! I spent such a big part of my life expecting others to see things how I do and feeling frustrated when they didn’t. What a waste!
I’m so glad you are touching on the importance of compassion in personal development. The topic of compassion is near and dear to my heart.
Thank you!
Sandra Lee recently posted..Eco-friendly shoes
Hi Sandra, thinking that others should see things the way we do is an extremely common way to think. I believe that it is one of the main reasons for communication breakdown and frustration. The John Gray classic: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus provides the perfect illustration.
Real connections happen when we learn to start seeing things (as best as our filters will allow) from the other persons perspective. One trick to doing this is to have the other person describe in detail what they are feeling. Then try to put yourself in the same emotional state. If you succeed, your nervous system will send send similar signals to your brain and you will experience thought patterns that mimic theirs. But that’s a whole different story.
Whenever I see others through my own “lens” I see separation. When I remember that my “lens” is really a way for me to see various aspects of my own being… I start to feel awe. Once that feeling is there curiosity takes over and then gratitude. Using this mindset helps me to go from judgment to genuine gratitude.
Nicely said Chris! Thanks for pointing out that much of what we see in others can be a reflection of some aspect of our self. Interestingly, our gut reaction to that can be either positive or negative. I have noticed that some people dislike those who manifest similar undesirable characteristics to their own. Thus, judgment ensues as a sort of emotional defense mechanism.
On the other hand, recognizing and embracing those reflective qualities can open the door to personal growth and development. This is obviously the mindset you have chosen and your expressions speak volumes for the wisdom of such a choice.
Although I consider myslef to be non judgemental, (after a lot of work!) I still catch myself judging people, situations etc more often that I would like.
I think it is a continuous process and letting go of it completely is near on impossible……if anyone can correct me, let me know!
Kate,
I think that it is next to impossible to cease judging fully. I have found that when I ruminate less about what other people should or shouldn’t do it is helpful. There is a fine line between observation and judgment, is what I have realized. The trick is to understand when we are judging or merely discerning. I suppose that how we feel is an excellent method to detecting the difference. Keeping our awareness level high is important.
Kate and Sandra, I agree with you both. To some degree, and in certain situations, being judgmental is a protective reaction to threatening circumstances. Intuition, gut instinct, or whatever you prefer to call it should never be ignored. If your first impression is “stay away from that person” I wouldn’t waste time trying to analyze it. Go with your gut.
Kate, letting go completely is no more possible than embracing completely. There are always criteria involved. We operate in degrees, not absolutes. No two situations are the same and discernment requires that we be adaptable.
Sandra, you said that beautifully. It is a fine line between judging or merely discerning. And much of the time being discerning requires that we make a judgment of some sort.
Dear Jonathan,
This is SUCH a key lesson, one of those core life-lessons that if we are blessed we will learn in our lifetime. It was a biggy for me to learn in my late twenties. But once learned I had no attachment as to whether someone had a difference of opinion, or a different way of seeing the world, and so forth.
But I think as I got older there became a deeper level to it. I know you’ve heard me say that I really have few beliefs, concepts and so on, and since I’ve arrived at that place, I really have little attachment to other people’s views or concepts of reality; because I really don’t have much of one myself. I just find it all (life) fascinating.
One of my brothers once told me that I was so easy to talk to, that he could tell me anything, and that I never judged, or had any need to label, categorize or defend anything, and that all I seemed to do was love to explore.He said, “You are just fascinated by everything!” LOL!! And lately I’m becoming more aware of that aspect of myself.
I think it happens because I have little attachment to any “way” of being, any “path” or reality. There are things that I personally don’t want to do or be, but that’s about as far as it goes. I have clear boundaries and a sense of what works for me (sometimes LOL!), but beyond that Life’s a fascinating exploration. And with that open mind, I am always learning new ways, new things, new ideas, feelings, etc.
Really, my greatest joy is loving everywhere I go. I can’t tell you HOW much I relate to this: ” Little expressions of consideration and kindness have a big impact on our perception of life. It’s easy to hold the door open for a stranger. It is fun to look each person you pass in the eyes and give them a sincere smile. A simple way to express gratitude is to say thank you often and mean it.”
This is creating community everywhere we go, creating love, and is the way that I get to express who I am, and create love in the world that feels both good to me and hopefully to others. It is what keeps me plugged into the pulse of Life and filled with vitality.
Most of the rest, the things we so tightly hang onto, don’t even matter. I love to just let go and love. Beautiful important post with a powerful message!! Good for you! Hugs, Robin
Robin Easton recently posted..Why I Love Robin
Hello Robin, how wonderful to have you here. What you have so eloquently expressed can seem like a fairytale to someone trapped behind the walls of “the judge.” If we are clinging to personal facades as an anti-exposure tool we will want to categorize others for comparison sake.
On the other hand, letting go of the illusion of our well defined self allows us to let go of the need to make comparisons. Instead of fearing open exposure we find it liberating.
Transparency gives us license to be ourselves and to allow everyone else to do the same. That’s the point when differences become interesting instead of threatening and judging gives way to living.
Robin, you exemplify this to a degree seldom seen in this complicated world and I think it is on of the main reasons so many are drawn to you. It is truly a beautiful thing my friend.
Hi Jonathan,
I love Robin’s comment and your response. Robin is amazing in her level of enthusiasm for living in love, as love for everyone and everything around her. Yet, she exemplifies what is possible for all of us. (Love you, Robin!) At the core, we all have a heart overflowing and a desire to allow ourselves to be completely intimate. We protect ourselves and hold back out of fear. Some of us have hearts that are frozen.
Your suggestions are so practical and do-able. Even something as simple as making eye contact with the person we buy coffee from in the morning can melt our hearts. When we meet others with kindness and care, we are connecting with the essence common to everyone, the limitless love that is just waiting to spill out everywhere.
Greetings Gail, you’ve made some excellent observations here. It’s so sad to watch someone deny that desire to be completely intimate because that level of exposure has become anchored in pain rather than joy. When a persons spirit folds in on itself their once overflowing hearts can indeed become frozen.
I think that Robin has a gift for coaxing people back to a more open posture simply by being so incredibly open herself. Even those of us who consider ourselves to be open and transparent are encouraged to be more so. It’s wonderful to be around people (like this little community) that can encourage one another to open our arms and hearts even wider. Thank you for being one of those people Gail. I really appreciate your valuable contribution.
“why did they do that, or why didn’t they do this,” isn’t a judgement, its a question.
If someone is about to jump off a tall building but they do not go through with it then I think “Why didn’t they jump off the building?” is a valid question. Simply wanting to know the process of the person’s mind.
OTOH, if you say “They shouldn’t have done this or should have done that” then that can be either judgemental or non-judgemental depending on the context. “They should have spent more time studying if they wanted to get a higher grade” could be a valid (or invalid) comment but probably is not judgemental.
“I can’t understand why she did not use protection” is also non-judgemental. Its a statement of fact. An honesty that the person does not understand the mind process of another.
“She was stupid to not use protection” is judgemental because it makes various assumptions on that person’s mind process – which, as you say, is unique to each person.
Hi Mark, you make a valid point about asking “why” and I realize I could have been a bit clearer here. I was referring to asking those questions not from the perspective of curiosity but from one that leans toward being critical of their decision. Thanks for providing an opportunity to add some clarity on this point.
Another perspective is all beings look out the same window at the same reality yet shape perception with diverse conditioning that obscures the view.
Liara Covert recently posted..Celebrate your rough edges
Hi Liara, that perspective seems logical because we are looking at the same physical reality. The problem with that analogy is that it would indicate that the influence of our personal filters only alters what we see after the fact. The truth is, we don’t actually see the same reality because the filters change the image beforehand. It’s like putting a colored filter over the lens of your camera rather than altering the color in photo software. When the filter is on the outside of the lens, the image is changed before it is recorded, not after. We do both with our perception.
Hi Jonathan,
Thank you so much. You have hit the very core of my heart because I am truly guilty of this. At times I really expect others to see things in my point of view which is truly wrong instead of just letting my heart be open and letting love flow.
Hi Paraluman, don’t feel bad, we have all been guilty of doing the same thing. So we work on it!
No doubt – serving will bring us the most fulfillment and happiness in life!
As for the judgment piece – I agree that if we judge it is b/c of our own insecurities. However, what about judging/critiquing someone who is in the wrong and needs to be confronted? I wrestle with that fine line. Any thoughts?
Thanks Jonathan!
Hi Ryan, you are absolutely right, it can be a very fine line between between judging and critiquing. And let’s face it, sometimes judging is necessary. I think the key here is that we do the critiquing first and from an unbiased point of view. If we are analyzing a situation honestly then we will show good judgment. This is completely different than being judgmental from an overly critical perspective. The difference in motive is one of the key factors that helps distinguish between the two. Does that make sense?
Hi Sandra, as I read through your latest post I was finally able to fully understand your point. Personally, I would choose slightly different word labels to represent degrees of self-focus. Selfless would be the extreme on one end and selfish would be the opposite extreme. The middle ground which you represent as selfish I would call self-aware. For myself, selfish represents an unbalanced degree of self-awareness leaning toward greedy and self-centered. As in all areas of life, degrees make the difference between balance and out of balance.
I now realize that the only difference between our viewpoints is semantics. So I am grateful to you for your clarifying article.
Great post! Happiness is a journey, and I agree that happiness is a byproduct of doing good for others. I would also say that it is a persons choice to be happy. Happiness comes from within and we have to learn what leads to our happiness and understand our responsibility seeking happiness. Thanks!
Thanks Joe, I totally agree that happiness comes from within and that it involves making a decision to be happy. Thanks for bringing out those important points. I have talked about these aspects and others in 48 other article about happiness. If your interested you can see a list by searching the happiness category.
Jonathan,
I was just quickly perusing your discussion with Sandra and it got me thinking about the episode of friends where Phoebe wants to prove to Joey that there is such thing as a selfless act but Joey insists there is not. She can’t find anything selfless in the end.
I think that any act, regardless of my motives, has a slightly selfish aspect. That’s not to say it’s bad. My act of kindness might make me feel good or empowered. So it hasn’t gone without it’s own motive but it has been an act of kindness none the less.
I love it when topics like these provoke discussion.
Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice recently posted..The 7 Big Illusions In Life
Hi Amit, I also love it when we are stimulated to exchange new ideas and examine other possibilities and concepts. Sandra and I actually continued our conversation on a post that she wrote the next day to help clarify her point of view (which it did). I feel comfortable saying that we were just using different word labels to describe basically the same thing.
Great ideas here and I subscribe to most of them and some are new and creative, Jonathan, but sometimes things just come out wrong. A friend of my husband had moved to NYC and he held out a door open for a woman who was walking into a building – in return, she yelled at him to go “back to the south we don’t need you to do this here” – seriously, aside from her own issues, how would you feel if someone did that? I would want to share a thought or two bot it’s just not worth it. It only is upsetting to the self. Anyway just thought of that story when I read, “keep the door open” for someone and chances are this kind of thing may only happen in New York City
!
Farnoosh recently posted..Beyond the First 30 Days- Staying Committed to Habits
Hi Farnoosh, true, some people revel in their own misery, and our kindness will probably go unappreciated by them. But that doesn’t mean it was wasted. One way to avoid feeling insulted in a situation like that is to try and see it from a compassionate and empathetic position. Obviously, it was a lack of kindness & consideration that molded her attitude. So even though she wasn’t open to it, only kindness (even in the face of rudeness) can help her. This is one of the reasons that we need to give without expecting anything in return. Then we will be overjoyed by an appreciative response and not be hurt but a lack of appreciation.
Sometimes I remind myself that when you go to a nut house there is no reason to take it personally if the people there act like nuts. Let’s face it, NYC is one of the biggest nut houses there is.
hi Jonathan
Just came across your blog today and its excellent! Love the articles on personal development and also the bits on blog tips.
Of course many would say that happiness is a state of mind, its always available to us. As one lady I met one time in Mostar who lived there during the war said “it’s amazing that even when the seige of Mostar was at its worst we could still find a way to laugh”
Cheers
Sean
Hi Sean, welcome to Advanced Life Skills. I totally agree, happiness is a state of mind and yes, it is always available to us. The thing is, we can do things that promote and reinforce that state. Doing so creates anchors that we can use to enter that happy state anytime and anyplace. The more we participate in activities that foster happiness, the more anchored it becomes.
Oh wow…this post has marvelous energy. It made me feel so good. Now for answering your questions…
Unselfishly helping others definitely brings me happiness. And no…I don’t struggle with being judgmental. In fact, I’ve learned that I feel best inside when I accept everyone else for who they are. I don’t have to recommend or like another’s choices in order to love them. I love them because they’re a part of my family…the human family.
Nea | Self Improvement Saga recently posted..How to Let Your Guard Down
What a stellar attitude Nea. You’ve got this one nailed and you are setting an excellent example!
Not only do people see from totally different perspectives – many think that everyone knows the same things they know and believes what they believe. Those who fail to recognize that every person has a different background – even a very different “reality” have much wisdom yet to gain.
Valerie Sage recently posted..Better Woman Now
That is so true Valerie, sometimes you can tell just by someones conversation that they think that you see things the same way they do when they don’t even know you.