Without question, there are many factors that have influenced your personal development and helped shape the kind of person you are today. Of all the things that have contributed to your personal growth, which one would you say has had the greatest influence on you personally?
The influence of those we associate with has a major effect on the person we become. Oddly, we may not even recognize how powerful this influence really is because it can be very subtle. Still, we know that even imperceptible promptings applied over an extended period of time can exert tremendous persuasive power.
Don’t underestimate the power of peer pressure
Peer pressure can be one of those extremely powerful forces in our lives. The direction of our personal development is directly impacted by our daily habits and rituals. We tend to pick up the habits of the people we spend time with. For instance, consider these examples.
If you hang around with people who burn through every dime they make partying, chances are very strong that you’ll develop that same pattern. If you spend most of your time around people who choose television over reading, chances are you won’t read much either.
Have you ever been stuck around someone who constantly cusses? If so, did you notice a change in your own choice of words? This can happen even if you have an initial aversion to bad language. If you hear it often enough it begins to seem normal and acceptable.
Peer pressure as a powerful motivator
If we continually associate with people who don’t share the same goals and aspirations as we do, their influence can completely undermine our personal growth. If we really want our lives to move in a certain direction, we need to pay special attention to the company we keep.
By choosing to spend time with like-minded people we reinforce and strengthen our own focus and resolve. If you want to become better at something, spend time in the company of those who are already good at it and you will improve. Peer pressure can be a powerful motivator for positive personal development if we make wise choices about who we allow to influence us.
The personal growth equivalent of “friendly fire”
I realize that the lesson here seems obvious. The reason I mention it is because I frequently work with people who say they can’t make any progress on their goals, and guess what! In many cases it turns out that their personal growth efforts are being undermined by the influence of the people around them.
Here’s one that comes up quite often. “No matter how much I exercise and try to watch my diet I can’t lose any weight.” My first question is, “are your friends overweight?” Next question, “do they share your passion for food?”
After we pursue this line of reasoning for a while it usually comes down to, “but they’re my friends.”
Choose the direction of you want to go
It’s not my place to say who your friends should be, and that’s not the point of this article. The point is this; the people you associate with have a strong influence on the direction of your personal growth. You owe it to yourself to consider what sort of influence they are exerting.
You need to keep checking whether those you associate with are moving you in a positive direction or a negative one. Are they supporting your efforts to reach your goals or preventing you from taking affirmative action? Are they supporting your personal development, or pulling you off course?
Personal growth lesson from a little bird
Perhaps you’ve heard the story of the little bird. He had his wing over his eye and he was crying. Mr. Owl said to the little bird, “I see you are crying.” “Yes,” said the little bird, as he pulled his wing away from his eye. “Oh, I see,” said Mr. Owl. “You’re crying because the big bird pecked out your eye.” And the little bird said, “No, I’m not crying because the big bird pecked out my eye. I’m crying because I let him do it.”
Personal growth and peer pressure, it’s your choice
It’s easy to let outside influences shape our lives, and to let our associates determine our personal growth direction. It can be extremely difficult to break off from the crowd to pursue your own path. It is important to remember that when it comes to peer pressure, there are no innocent bystanders. Once we are out of our parents homes, we get to choose the people who influence us.
Try this, take a look at the people you spend your time with and ask yourself, “Do I want to turn out like them?” If the answer is yes, that’s great, you will benefit from their influence. But if the answer is no, you need to seriously consider making some different choices so you don’t end up like that little bird.
What kind of influence are your friends having on you?
Is the overall tone of your peer pressure inline with your personal goals?
The lines are open!
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{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
Peer pressure is one of the most influences on people Jonathan, especially teenagers. It is unbelieveable how easily we get affected by others.
Thanks for sharing
Dia´s last amazing blog post ..How to attract people
Hey Dia, I agree that peer pressure exerts an especially powerful influence on teens. It’s a time of life when young people are trying to discover there own identity. That often means “trying on” the habits of those around them to see how they fit.
It’s a natural reflex to adopt some of the characteristics of the people we think are cool because we want to be viewed the same way. In reality, the coolest person you can possibly be is you. Be yourself and watch how people respond. you’ll be amazed.
I have noticed that my behavior changes around certain people, and I tend to take on their personalities. I thought the part about losing weight and being around people who like food as well was a good point.
My friend is on the heavier side, but he never seems to be able to lose weight, because he isn’t around people who are as committed as he is and contribute to him gaining weight back after he loses a little.
Brian Earley´s last amazing blog post ..Shrek Forever After Review
Hey Brian, think how powerful that is. All you have to do is hang out with people who have qualities you want to cultivate. They will rub off on you. Hang around with smart, creative, happy people and that’s what you will become. It’s an adaptability thing and we can use it to benefit ourselves in countless ways.
Hello Jonathan,
All material that you presented in your blog, has a lot of excellent educational values. The key to grow is to take seriously the issues that you discussed in your articles. You have a lot of wisdom about life.
Thank you so much!
Zuzanna
Thank you so much Zuzanna. There is no greater joy than knowing that others a benefiting from these articles. I want you to know that you’ve been a real encouragement for me and I deeply appreciate your support.
Jonathan, this is such fantastic advice. I read a book once called “Connected”. It’s main theme was how much you are influenced by those in your social circle. Studies prove it and it’s true whether we admit it or not.
I watched a little video from Bob Proctor this morning talking about the transformational moments in his life. He talked about how over a period of a few years he completely changed the people in his life from people who were just putting in their time to people who had great vision. He thinks it made all the difference.
It matters, and it matters a lot. Don’t get to the end of your life and then wish you had to do it all over again. You don’t get to go back and choose new friends. What’s done is done so do it right the first time.
Excellent article, as usual!
Stephen – Rat Race Trap´s last amazing blog post ..Books You Might Want to Read
Hi Stephen, someone said that we are the sum of our five closest associates (or something like that). Anyway, the point is well taken. Our friends and associates have a huge influence on us whether we acknowledge it or not.
We may not always have a choice who we spend time around, like at work for example. But we can control the level of those friendships. If they are not healthy, we can minimize it and thus minimize the influence.
For those of us who have raised kids the influence of friends is readily visible in our own children. When there is a big shift in attitude there is usually a new friend in the picture.
You always add insight and dimension in your comments Stephen, I really appreciate that.
In understand SEO and stuff, but the content should still be user-friendly, after all you are writing for people and not for Google itself.
Words “peer pressure” and “Personal growth” are used too often
Edward´s last amazing blog post ..Charlize Theron – Peach Ice-Cream
Hey Edward, thanks for sharing your impression with me. As I read back through the article I could see your point. I’ll be more alert to that tendency in the future and I commend you for drawing my attention to the keyword density thing.
:30 minutes later – Once I checked the density I decided to make a few changes based on your observations. As it turned out, personal growth was really high (17 times). It’s now much lower (10 times). Peer pressure was at 8, the same as little bird, so I left it as is. I agree wholeheartedly that article readability is primary. I hope this is now more reader friendly.
To everyone – Please don’t hesitate to share your thoughts, even if they are constructive criticism. This blog is as much about you as it is about me. I value your feedback.
Jonathan,
You have once again hit the nail on the head. In July I am starting a series entitled B.U.R.N. Breaking unhealthy relationships now. It is so important to understand that the people who you surround yourself with have a major influence on you life. If they are not helping you grow it might be time to end that relationship. I say surround yourself with people who will put pressure on you to be better. Thanks again for an awesome post.
Frank´s last amazing blog post ..Now!
Hey Frank, that sounds like an excellent series. It’s not always easy to break away from unhealthy relationships and I am sure your articles will be helpful for those facing this challenge.
Hi Jonathan, I agree with this. I think your group of friends or the people in the environment that you grow up in has a strong influence on your behavior.
From personal experience, when I was in college my ex-girlfriend cussed a lot so I started cussing a lot too. Towards the end of college, one of my friends that I hung out a lot smoked cigarettes, so I eventually caved in until I graduated and decided that I needed to change my life.
They were great people, but some sometimes they had negative tendancies in which I realized I didn’t need when I think back on it. That’s why its’ important not only to hang around people who can have a positive influence, but actually make the decision about how you will let them affect you. Because in the end, it’s really up to you. Thanks for the post!
Hi Hulbert, thank you for sharing your experiences. These are perfect examples of how we subject ourselves to characteristics and thought patterns of those we spend time with.
It’s easy to think of the situations when there was some negative habit transference, but the same thing happens is a positive way also.
Who has inspired you to want to become better at something? Whose example has motivated you to reach higher in life. That is the same process at work in a positive direction. This is a tool we can control (to some degree anyway).
Dear Jonathan, I love this whole post. And I will NEVER forget this line: “…take a look at the people you spend your time with and ask yourself, “Do I want to turn out like them?”
That is one of the MOST powerful things I’ve ever heard. It is a guide that I will keep with me always. It doesn’t get any clearer than that. I’ve never heard anyone say that before. And I am grateful for this powerful tool. When I got to that line my jaw dropped open. Wow!!
Thank you my friend.
I am very impressed.
Hugs,
Robin
Robin Easton´s last amazing blog post ..Off to NY City! – Book Expo America
Hi Robin, I just went and read your Off to NY City post. Lots of powerful energy around this whole episode of your life. It’s very exciting.
Isn’t it funny how rephrasing things that we already know can bring them to life? I think that those of us who have had the opportunity to spend large amounts of time away from the influence of other people discover a different influence. One that we willingly bend to.
Given a chance, the power of creation can and will completely alter our perspective. Once that happens it makes us much more resistant to being led by the crowd. Infused with that natural energy, we are empowered to walk our own path and not be overly concerned with other peoples reaction. Some may have no idea what I am talking about, but I know that you know exactly what I mean.
Happy trails my good friend. Knock their socks off.
Dear Jonathan, I am profoundly touched by this comment and the one on my post. Just blown away by your depth of vision/insight. Almost as if you know without me even saying anything. (You do.)
I had no idea that anyone really saw what I am going through to the level that you have in both comments. I needed that right now. I teared up reading your words. Just blown away to be “seen”. You DO know and see. Bless you 1000 times over. What a gift to me and all the lives you touch.
And I TOTALLY understand all that you have written here and on my post. You have given me a unforgettable gift. I am so grateful for the experiences you have had in your life and the choices you have made, and continue to make. We often don’t realize that the choices we make can change lives. All I can say is thank you for seeing. And not just seeing, but seeing through wild eyes and experience.
I am just blown away. Have read your comments several times to let them REALLY sink in; they are so mind blowing.
And thank YOU my wild friend.
Hugs,
Robin
Robin Easton´s last amazing blog post ..Off to NY City! – Book Expo America
You shouldn’t be surprised, after all we had the same teacher and we both paid attention to the lessons. It is a rare and awesome privilege in this day and age to be able to spend time (lots of time) at the most basic level of life. How could we not know one another on a core level. By the way, my wife went through the same educational experiences before we met. We have that common heritage. So rare and wonderful.
About now my readers must be thinking: “What in the world are they talking about?” If you want to know, you’ve got to ask. How’s that?
First and foremost, I would like to congratulate you for detailing this subject so very well! The whole piece was well-written and adequately afforded with the right elaborations.
The line that got stuck in my head, ” You are defined by the company you keep.” Seriously speaking, I see myself as a drifter now, striking my own way and carving my own path. And I tell you, it’s mighty hard! Changing companies has exposed me to a totally different set of people whose work ethics and professional culture and ideals are way different than mine. when I first came here, I tried to be firm only to slacken after a year until such time that I just woke up one day realizing that I have become one of them! So I sobered up and got back on track despite the difficulty.
Peer pressure works subtly yet powerfully. the influence your immediate and regular company has on you takes time to sink in. But once it gets a hold of you, the results are striking! I think that this is one of the bane of working with a group, we cannot help but be surrounded by a prevailing culture and the risk of getting swept away is expected though not definite all the time.
Maris´s last amazing blog post ..Probing the Mind of a Relationship Abuser
Hi Maris, and welcome to Advanced Life Skills. You have just illustrated the struggle that so many people have with peer pressure. The pressure to conform can be tremendous.
If you are secure in your own identity you can rise above the crowd. They may tease you and try to influence you, but that won’t be because they don’t respect you. It will be because they don’t have the fortitude to take an independent stand like you do. It’s because peer pressure owns them. You are stronger than that, and they can feel it.
As the mother of a teenager, I spend a lot of time on the subject of peer pressure. I make sure to remind my daughter (and myself) that peer pressure exists throughout our lives. It doesn’t end with childhood.
I’ve changed my circle of friends quite a few times as I’ve grown and matured. Sometimes people just don’t fit into your puzzle anymore and it’s best to find piece with letting them go.
Nea | Self Improvement Saga´s last amazing blog post ..Want to Get More Out of Your Life? The Universe Says Yes
Hi Nea, you make an important point here that hasn’t been brought up yet. As we grow and change, so do our friends and associates. To be surrounded by people who support our direction means making adjustments along the way.
This doesn’t mean that we don’t like our friends anymore, or that we are being disloyal to them. It means, as you so aptly put it: “Sometimes people just don’t fit into your puzzle anymore.” Thanks so much for pointing that out.
Hi Jonathan,
This is a BIG one! When we set out to create ourselves anew, we can be sure that howling voices from our past will arise with resistance. It is wise to expect opposition from those that are closest to us.
When I started on my spiritual path I had to drop most of my old friends. They looked at me and said, “There is something wrong with Whitey” (my old nickname). I even decided to start going by Rob instead of Bob. Now, when I feel that old conditioning tugging at me, I simply remind myself; “that Rob doesn’t live here anymore.”
The mind does not intend to relinquish its position of command without putting up a strong argument. Yet, we all have the power to break free of old habits and start anew. Great conversation, Jonathan
Hey Rob, thanks for mentioning this side of the resistance factor. When we look a little deeper at the “howling voices from our past,” it’s interesting what we find.
It seems that having a member of a group choose a different path can create a new sense of insecurity in the group. So when they howl, it’s not necessarily because they disapprove of what you’ve done. Often times it is just a way to deal with their own insecurities.
They may even wish they had the courage to do something similar. But lacking the strength to break free, they try to discredit the one who has. They can’t admit (subconsciously) to the truth of their situation, so they placate their fragile egos by trying to paint the other person as a “trader.”
Hi Jonathan,
Peer pressure is a huge influence in today’s society. Such an insightful post, thank you for sharing.
Quite literally I have always been the one to follow my heart so have escaped peer pressure, but even within that I hear people’s comments/opinions and when being “different” becomes exhausting I know it is a reflection to me of what I need to change in my life. For instance I’ve always wanted to live on a boat. Once I bought and began living on the boat, my friends humored me. When it became my way of life, they now question me…and their questions make question myself. So when I do differ from the norm, I need to be strong in my direction, and sometimes that requires changing the depth of the friendships within my inner circle, sometimes changing my own perspective, but always remaining open and following my heart.
I have two young children. What they learn and experience outside of my immediate realm (which is half of their day at school or various activities) sometimes goes against our personal beliefs. Peer pressure may be a growth motivator, but it may also be a barrier…so I am teaching them to tell the difference and to know their inner selves so well they are not swayed in their path.
Hi Joy, welcome to Advanced Life Skills. Thank you for leaving such an excellent comment. Like you, I have never been one to follow the crowd, and the static from the peanut gallery never phased me.
You are giving your children a huge advantage by the way you are teaching them. My parents really empowered me while I was growing up (see Bio), and I will always be grateful.
The way we teach our children is so important. I hope that any who read your comment will take your example seriously. It’s a pleasure having you here Joy. Thanks!!!
Jonathan -
I agree and it is evidenced from the comments that the people around us can influence our own development. I think that one of the key tenets of successful personal development is to move from being dependent on those around us, to being independent in thought and action. Learning this is a sustainable plan for the future. After we get there we can go for interdependence with the people and world around us (as Stephen Covey would advocate). So changing our friends might be a good start, however changing ourself may work better in the long run. Thanks for a thought provoking post.
Phil
Phil – Less Ordinary Living´s last amazing blog post ..Break free – Learn to beat procrastination for good
Hi Phil, I totally agree, changing our source of approval and motivation (and many other things) from external to internal is really what’s needed. I think that choosing the right friends is actually a good way to initiate that transition, but as you pointed out, in the end it is up to us to take responsibility. Thanks for interjecting this important point.
Hi Jonathan,
You have addressed a very important aspect of happiness in life. We have the potential to be lifted up by those we connect with or pulled into drama and negativity. I notice with myself and others that the deeper my understanding of how things work and the greater my commitment to a conscious life, I’m just not interested in hanging around people who aren’t excited by their lives. I often see friendships and romantic relationships fall by the wayside as one person begins to bloom while the other stays the same.
This calls for us to go within and find the courage to stay true to ourselves – which is not always the popular choice.
And I am happy to know you – I feel inspired by you. Thanks!
Gail
Hi Gail, you said that so very well. My observations and conclusions run totally parallel to yours. Some peoples lives are so wrapped up in drama that it can be exhausting, even for the spectator. Your words are always so wise and insightful. Allow me to echo your closing sentiments. I am also inspired by you and very grateful to know you. I find you to be quite remarkable.
Ouch for the little bird and I’d never heard that story but so much truth here: “people you associate with have a strong influence on the direction of your personal growth”. Jonathan, until recently (say last 5 years), I did not realize that I could very well END friendships and relationships that are not in my favor. The first time I did this, I felt so liberated. Now I am very selective about who I let in my circle….
On another note, my darling childhood friend has been telling me how she had let this other friend treat her through the years. “Were you crazy” I yell at her, since I wasn’t there to do that when this was happening. In desperation for having a friend in her life, she let it happen over and over until a real friend walked into her life and made her stop…..Thank you for another great insight and articulation on how we should be aware of our personal growth and the outside influences, be they loud and clear or hardly perceptible to the human ear!!!
Hi Farnoosh, I think you are amazing and I am so pleased to be part of your circle. I get really excited when someone as young as you are has come to so many important realizations. I know it is only the beginning of an extraordinary journey of awareness and knowledge.
I love your site! It helps me realize the things that I’m not really aware of. Sometimes I don’t pay much attention to simple things that can change my life. Instead, I try to find the complicated ones. This is really a big help for me. I am so glad that I stumbled upon it. And speaking of letting people influence my life, I think I should make friends with guys like you full of positive things in life! You guys will be my inspiration from now on. Actually, I have always had this desire to be a writer but I just don’t know how to start and when to start. I’m usually not confident about my skills. But I would like to try. I am just figuring out what will be my theme when I have my own blog. Thanks Jonathan. You’re my idol!
Hi Liza, yes, I am blushing. Thank you for being so open and encouraging. Once you start writing you will probably amaze yourself. Don’t wait for everything to be perfect. Start your blog and go for it. Blogging is a fantastic way to discover yourself. We learn to write by writing. It’s a process that is full of wonderful learning experiences. You’ll do great.
Very interesting Jonathan… I’ll try to show my opinion about this things as I see them…
All this depends on what stage is our current personal development.
Allow me to explain. Let’s us imagine three (fictional) levels of personal development.
The first level is the worst. State of mind a little over a suicide. That person is in terrible condition. Usually this person constantly complains to others and its often crying and feeling depressed.
The second level is “normal person”. The person who goes to work, not risking a lot, watch TV often, have a wife\ husband, children, a couple of problems etc.
The third level is the highest stage of development. A very spiritual person, very experienced, thoughtful and so on.
(I simplified a bit, I do not want to have too long and exhausting comment.)
People who are on the first (worst) and some on second (middle) level, they grow only if they socialize with people better than them and people with similar systems of beliefs.
In contrast, people at the top and some from the middle stage of development, will not advance and grow if they socialize with like-minded. They will grow only if they socialize with people who have different beliefs than themselves…
Why? Because people from the “worst” and some from middle “category” do not have that level of openness and learning abilities from other than themselves. On the contrary, they are afraid of others.
While those on the larger stage of personal growth, have a greater awareness and understanding that only by exploring our differences we can learn from each other.
I hope you understand my point, Jonathan.
Warm regards….
Marko (CalmGrowth)
Marko — Calm Growth´s last amazing blog post ..The Current State of Personal Development Scene — Part 3
Hi Marko, that’s an interesting observation. I think there are some other considerations that fit into this scenario as well. It seems that no matter how similar we may be (development wise) to someone else, the understanding is always distributed differently. Your areas of deepest comprehension likely vary from mine because of individual experiences, etc.
So, even if we had an 80% similarity score, we could still share many insights in the areas covered by the 20%.
I also feel that I can learn from people at all stages of development to some degree. In fact, some of the most profound “truths” were given to me by my daughter when she was quite young. Here’s an example. Such lessons have served me well for decades.
I guess my bottom line is that life has a way of teaching us in unexpected ways, and often from unexpected sources. It doesn’t matter how we come in contact with greater knowledge and awareness. What matters is that we remain open to being taught.
Marko, thank you once again for stimulating my thoughts to ponder some important concept. You’re good at it and I really enjoy it.