59. Don’t expect him to read your mind, we’re not that smart.

huh! we women usually want men to get what we think, but it really can’t be

I always thought I was a positive, happy, loving wife and tried not to be mean or criticize, but obviously I failed in that, and he says that when he would try to do something I wanted, I just wanted something more and it was never good enough. I am horrified that I made him feel that way, and determined to change my ways….let me tell you what set this all off…

Last year or so my husband made a new friend and went to do some reno work on his house. Well, without realizing it, I had been making him feel unadmired and not good enough and this guys wife was WONDERFUL with admiring words and glances and my husband developed a HUGE crush on this woman. Instead of thinking, “uh oh, danger” he WENT with it big time, talking about her constantly, enjoying her attention, talking to her at length whenever he worked there, she would make him lunch and he would sit and eat with her, if he saw her at the school they would stop and talk for 30-60 minutes at least once a week even when he wasn’t working at her house. He would tell me her opinions on all kinds of stuff from her kids teachers to the kind of cranberry sauce she liked on her turkey. I was jealous and upset and first and told him I didn’t like it but he laughed and said I was ridiculous. Over the months I was gradually driven almost mad with fear for my marriage and how much more my husband wanted and liked this woman’s company than mine, and I didn’t know what to do. Finally I found an article written by a man who gave me some words to say, to tell him how unsafe I felt in our marriage and how much pain it was causing, and that I needed him to STOP for my very sanity… and thank God, he stopped. It was SO MUCH better for months, although of course I had a little fear in the back of my mind that it was just TALKING about it he had stopped, but I think he really was shocked by how it had hurt me and he stopped it.

BUT 5 months later his friend (who he had kept in contact and golf with) asked him to do the floors in their kids room. Off he went back over there, assuring me it was just for the job, and not to worry. I didn’t sleep for 3 nights, so scared it would start back up again. It didn’t, and things seemed ok, until 3 months later, when he went back over there to do another reno job. Another 3 sleepless nights while I tried to pretend I trusted him and I was fine (cause he said we really needed the money). Finally I tried to calmly tell him that I needed him to find other side jobs because I am sorry but I cannot HANDLE him going over there and being alone with just her and her babies anymore, I tried, but I can’t. Well, it opened Pandora’s box. A HUGE fight that lasted weeks, with him telling me I am crazy, and don’t trust him, and finally with him explaining why he found her so compelling. I finally got the gist that it was her admiring words, her flattering attention, of course the fact that she is attractive, but what really gets me and is haunting me now, is that he told me that her husband doesn’t do stuff for her at home, “so when she needed something, she called me.” That hurts SO bad because I am not allowed to ask him to do anything. He started a job on our house and then stopped without finishing it… and when I asked him to do just one electrical outlet in the living room once in awhile he said, “why, does it bother you that none of the electrical outlets work?” I said yes and he said, GOOD. So I stopped asking him for anything and just tried to be patient and live with him not doing anything around here. And instead of being glad that I am not nagging him or asking him for more work when he works all week already, he went and found HER to NEED him for stuff so he could fill HER NEEDS, and enjoy her admiration etc. when he does it.

If he needs someone to need him, why did he train me not to need him? Why did he train me to just let him come home and sit in his chair, and bring him dinner and drinks and everything until he goes to bed at night, and make sure I knew I wasn’t to ask for anything, and then go find another woman and enjoy the hell out of her “needing him”? It HURTS SO BAD, and even though he is trying to make up for it,and he agreed not to work for her anymore, and our marriage now feels more loving and like we are making progress, these thoughts of how happy he was in her company keep coming back to me and haunting me and I just don’t understand!