15 Funny Reasons Not to Take Him Shopping

funny reasons not to take him shopping

Editors note: Shopping is not something I write about, so this one goes in my “just for fun” category. My wife got this email and it made her laugh so hard that I had to share it with you. I have no idea who wrote it, but I’m glad they did…

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her shopping trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves shopping. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and your shopping escapades are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1) June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2) July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals. .

3) July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4) July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5) August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6) August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7) August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8) August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9) September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10) September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11) October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12) October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13) October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME PICK ME!’

14) October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15) October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

PS. If you don’t send this funny story to 12 of your dearest friends, your property taxes will go up, your stocks will go down, and your middle will spread. (How’s that for a curse?!?) What? It’s already come true? Then send it anyway–you’ve got nothing’ to lose!

end of email…

Ladies, how do you feel about taking your man shopping?
Guys, want to give some of these a try next time she goes shopping?
The lines are open.

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  1. Steven Aitchison October 22, 2009 Reply

    Jonathan I laughed out loud at some of these. I once posed as a mannequin whilst my wife and sons browsed, I nearly killed an old lady with fright when I walked away.

    • Jonathan October 22, 2009 Reply

      Steve the prankster, I love it.

  2. Rocket Bunny October 22, 2009 Reply

    I once tried on panties over my jeans on Black Friday only because it was like 8 AM and we had been shopping since 5AM. MY GF took a picture and NO you cant see it. lol

    • Jonathan October 22, 2009 Reply

      Oh, come on Bunny, let’s post the picture – please!

      • Zeenat October 22, 2009 Reply

        I agree bunny….come on..post the pic….;)

  3. Zeenat October 22, 2009 Reply

    Oh…this was so much fun to read. I laughed and laughed..and am still laughing at the toilet paper in the dressing room bit. :)
    Thanks to whoever wrote this …it was just too good..thank you for sharing :)

    • Jonathan October 22, 2009 Reply

      Thanks Zeenat, it’s nice to stop and laugh!

  4. Rocket Bunny October 22, 2009 Reply

    NO ! My husband would pitch a fit besides it is on his computer.
    First~ I hate to shop and why I allowed myself to get talked into shopping on a Black Friday is beyond me but my friend Jess used her cell to capture the moment.
    This of course was after the Dunkin Donuts sugar high and I think I actually drank coffee that day before doing the dumper car/ shopping carts at Wal-mart and Target. Then on to the mall, I really think I was trying to embarrass her so she would take me home.
    I am a horrible shopper. I have mini walkie talkies I make my GF’s carry because when I am ready to leave – they best be heading for the exit or they get left behind.
    Never left anyone behind just drove around the parking lot freaking them out :)

    • Jonathan October 22, 2009 Reply

      That’s funny, I’ve been known to relocate that car also. Ask Thumper if he wants to share the picture as a special favor to Zeenat!

  5. Robin Easton October 22, 2009 Reply

    First is does my heart soooooo much good to see humor here, especially after a long hard day. YES!! Beautiful and so healing. I laughed out loud and saw yet another side of your character to add to the already long list of character traits: HUMOR!! Love it.

    Both my husband and I act up in the store and we both like shopping in the same stores so that is cool. As to pulling pranks: I go in one direction and a bit later mysteriously sneak up behind up him (without him seeing me) and whisper in a disguised voice, “Hey sexy, wanna come home with me?” LOLOLOL!! Or I sneak up behind him pinch his butt. LOL! I know, I know!!

    Now HE takes to dancing in the isles. Especially to really cheesy elevator music, just to mock the music and embarrass me. The other day in the health food store we were laughing so hard that a young employee (guy about 20) tried so hard not to look at us, but we were pretty obvious and finally he set down his box of potatoes he was putting on the shelf and just starting laughing really really hard and then we all were laughing. It was sooo beautiful.

    Sadly he later told us that he smiles and says hi to people in the store and 95% of the time they look away. And for him to see two people old enough to be his parents confirmed his whole personality as right and real. He was a kind dear young man. So warm and sincere. I hugged him of course. LOLOL!!!

    Oh this is just wonderful Jonathan. Thank you for inspiring, confirming and setting free. Robin

    • Jonathan October 23, 2009 Reply

      Hi Robin, you and your husband have got something really special. We should all strive to keep that childlike sense of playfulness alive. If someone looks like they have forgotten how to laugh, we can remind them. One of the best ways to make life feel good is to find plenty of reasons to laugh out loud every day.

  6. Robin Easton October 22, 2009 Reply

    PS I just LOVE your wife for laughing so hard over this!! She is kindred. That alone made me happy too. :))

    • Jonathan October 23, 2009 Reply

      Her laughter is music to my heart. I just love to hear her laughing, it light s up my world.

  7. Lana October 22, 2009 Reply

    I almost fell of the chair laughing Jonathan. Thanks for sharing this! My husband hates shopping, but my little 2 y.o. son on the other hand loves it. I have hard time sometimes convincing him going to the park, he’ll agree only if I tell him we’ll stop at Target on the way back. I think his wife will be very happy with him:)

    • Jonathan October 23, 2009 Reply

      Hi Lana, so, you’re raising up a little shopper. Very cool!

  8. Karlil October 22, 2009 Reply

    I lol. I love the last one. Thanks for sharing Jon

    • Jonathan October 23, 2009 Reply

      That one took some guts to pull off.

  9. Frugal Expat October 22, 2009 Reply

    This is cool and fun…… The husband has all the time to keep himself entertained, enough to be banned from the mall..LOL!

    • Jonathan October 23, 2009 Reply

      I think he was bored out of his mind!

  10. Stephen October 23, 2009 Reply

    Hi Jonathan! I loved the condoms, the toilet paper, and Bunny’s panties (hmm…). Thankfully I never go shopping anymore. I just refuse. I hate it. I never acted up for entertainment, although that is a great idea. When my daughter was younger my favorite way to straighten her up was to burst into a loud rendition of a popular song. I can’t sing. It worked perfectly.

    • Jonathan October 23, 2009 Reply

      Hey Stephen, I thought maybe we could get Bunny to share the picture, but she seems pretty resistant so far.

  11. Vin October 23, 2009 Reply

    Thanks for the laugh, Jonathan! I don’t have any good stories to share, but I hate circling the clothing racks behind my wife just as much as the next guy. Fortunately, it doesn’t happen very often.

    I like the one about setting off the alarm clocks. It would be easy to do and would be quite funny. :)

    • Jonathan October 23, 2009 Reply

      Go for it Vin, I am laughing just picturing it.

  12. Mark Lewis October 23, 2009 Reply

    Jonathan, is your wife laughing from experience?!

    • Jonathan October 23, 2009 Reply

      That’s funny Mark, but now that I have all these great ideas, you never know!

  13. Walter October 26, 2009 Reply

    Ha. ha. This gives me an idea. I’m really, really bored when my wife takes me to shopping and no matter how much I show it, she ignores it. :-)

    • Jonathan October 27, 2009 Reply

      Well, now you will have something to do while she is shopping. Think she’ll ignore it?

  14. Nea October 27, 2009 Reply

    This was hilarious. LOL…. I’m never shopping with a man again. Ever!

    • Jonathan October 27, 2009 Reply

      But think of all the entertainment you’ll be missing out on!

  15. Ian November 23, 2009 Reply

    When I was at college their was a department store where we used to go to eat. In the lobby they would set out their christmas gifts each year which would typically include some kind of musical soft toy. One year they had some insane cows, you press their foot and they start mooing, after a little while the moo would turn into an insane laugh and then the cow would start shaking which lasted about 30 seconds. One morning before class 5 of us set of 10 each in quick succession then made a hasty retreat.

    The few shoppers that were around stopped to look at 50 cows mooing, then laughing, then the entire pile with them in started shaking spilling cows all over the floor where they would lie shaking and laughing. The sight of well over 100 cows plus a variety of other stuffed animals that happened to be around them going through some kind of insane meltdown tumbling onto the floor was great.

  16. Gemma Phelan January 29, 2012 Reply

    Your reasons are really funny! But i like shopping. So i am little bit anger for your funny 15 reasons……lol..

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